I had a checkup on Wednesday with my OB. (Have I mentioned how great I think she is?) Anyway, after some questioning, she decided to do an ultrasound to see how things had progressed. She hurried out of the room to see if they could fit me in then but the ultrasound technician couldn't. She scheduled my ultrasound for right away the next morning and we again, had to wait.
Yesterday I had my final ultrasound. My body has done what it needed to do. I'm no longer pregnant and do not need to have surgical intervention. I am at the same time relieved and disappointed. My OB was off yesterday so I spoke with another doctor. She was very sure that the miscarriage had been complete and that no intervention was needed. Just because she's so good, my OB called me today to check in, let me know that she too had looked over everything and that my body has done it's job. She filled me in on what to expect in the next months and I told her that the next time I see her, I hope it's because I'll be pregnant again. She laughed and said, "Me too, Sarah... me too."
I left the doctor's office on Thursday and had a wave of sadness wash over me. This was what I wanted- closure. There was nothing on the ultrasound, there's no way around that- there's no ambiguity or what-ifs or maybes left. That's good news, now since I've been craving finality. The waiting was the hardest part, for sure, but as I drove away from the clinic, I felt so sad. On one hand, I had my closure, on the other hand, it's now undeniable that we've really lost the baby. The reality of that reared it's ugly head in the car. I just felt physically empty- I still do.
So, now Abe and I look forward to our future. Our future has kids in it- I know it... deep within my heart, I know we will be parents. Whether we complete our family with biological, adoptive, or fostered children, I will be called Mama someday... hopefully sooner, rather than later.
Thank you for your support, your love, your kind words, your prayers, your tears, and your laughter over the past two weeks. It's been a roller-coaster of emotions but threaded through it all has been the sweet presence of Jesus and our friends. We've come out of this with a renewed commitment to God, to each other, and to our future. We've gained great perspective on what really matters in life. We've waded through a pretty deep valley but are nearing the other side.
Harold Kushner wrote a book on the 23rd Psalm and said this, "When illness, bereavement, and the losses that come with age cast a shadow over our lives, God is there to fill the empty space, to remind us that shadows are cast only because the sun is shining somewhere, to take us by the hand and lead us through the valley of the shadow and into the sunlight."
I do feel that God has taken us by the hand and walked us through the valley. I don't feel like we're out yet, but we're heading there. The hard thing about any valley is no matter how much time passes between whatever sent you there and the present, you never forget your voyage through the dark. Any trip into a valley of shadow changes you- hopefully for the better, sometimes for the worse. It is my fervent prayer that Abe and I have been deeply changed... that our hearts are entwined closely together with God and all that He has in store for us. It is my hearts desire to be able to offer comfort to someone who may have gone through the same thing. I know that I will still have sad days, or weeks or seasons but there is a temporary time frame attached to all of those. I know at the end of days, I will race to the arms of my Savior filled with everlasting joy, boundless love, immeasurable peace and infinite gratitude. And then, with breathless joy, I will meet the beautiful life I once carried. Until then, until Zion (our promised land of Heaven) is our reality, we will carry on in faith that God is mighty to save, always good, and ALWAYS alongside us.
With hope, gratitude, and joy...
Sarah and Abe
"There will be dark days, days of loss and days of failure, but they will not last forever. The light will always return to chase away the darkness, the sun will always come out again after the rain, and the human spirit will always rise above failure. Fear will assault us, but we will not be afraid,'for Thou are with me'". Harold Kushner from The Lord is My Shepherd
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
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