Today is a new day. Nothing has changed physically for me but I feel spiritually renewed. I have cried myself out, and all that remains is peace. Deep, beautiful, breathtaking, humbling, joy-filled peace.
Peace is an unexplainable gift. It's a welcome feeling that seems to almost physically weigh on my shoulders. This morning, I find myself giggling about the cucumber that my dogs stole and managed to down half of before I caught them. I'm smiling about the caramel rolls I had for breakfast. I'm warmed by the wonderful time I had with my Bible Study ladies last night. I have peace- real stillness in my soul.
Don't misunderstand, I am not spouting some canned religious "everything is ok, all the time" superficial platitude. I'm sad, deeply saddened by our loss. I look at the ultrasound pictures, at the blob that was my baby and see flashes of what could have been- a child swinging on the swingset, a nightmare that leads a terrified little one into my arms, a sweet smelling brand new baby nestled against my chest. The disappointment that I won't have that when I thought I would makes me sad. There's no way around that- loss is a sad, disappointing, heart-breaking, life-changing thing.
I'm also not trying to compare our situation with those of loved ones who've lost their sweet little ones to a multitude of afflictions. I can't begin to imagine the depth of grief my sister-in-law feels as she lives each day without her beautiful daughter or the breathtaking pangs of losing a child at the brink of delivery. This is our personal loss, our personal experience... our valley. I can't claim to know the depths of grief in someone else, only in myself.
That being said, this I do know. There is no measure as to how high and how wide, how deep and how long, nor how great the love of God is. I've come to the point in the past few months that I don't care if I'm labeled "too religious" or "too fundy". None of those labels matter. What matters is, I HAVE PEACE. I KNOW beyond words, the physical comforts of God. I KNOW that when I cry out, God hears me, I KNOW that. I will not apologize for the great Comforter; The Lover of my Soul; The Healer of all hurts. My only prayer is that in your hurt, your pain, your sorrow... that you'll cry out, sometimes without words... just tears, and let the God of the universe shelter you, comfort you, empower you to continue day after day filled with deep, blessed peace.
I know that we will meet our baby someday in Heaven. I believe that even though our baby was physically not yet developed, he or she was a full-soul and that we will meet face to face someday. And when we do, I will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this sweet soul is my first baby, longed for before they were a thought in our heads, prayed for before they were cells dividing, and thought of with great love long after our lives have moved on. It is because of this great love I have for the baby no longer with us, that I marvel at the love of God. For how much I already loved this child, God's love for us is immeasurably greater.
The Lord says,
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
So, please, don't worry about us. Continue to pray for us- I will always welcome that and I know we still have a lot of healing to go through. We are not out of this valley yet. I've been very honest on this blog about my feelings throughout this process, which is still ongoing, and I will continue to do so. We've had quite a few people comment on how they've followed our story this way and because of that I will keep posting as news, or thoughts come up. I look forward with great longing to the day when we can share the good news of another child with you. For now, we are resting in the immense peace of God, filled with joy and anticipation for what is to come. As I've said before, even in the valley, I am acutely aware that God is NOT done with us yet. What a beautiful thing!
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Eph. 3:16-19
Sarah and Abe
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