Just a few things to know before you read this post. 1. It's quite scattered- from quoting Nouwen and Brennan Manning to whining. 2. I am by nature a passionate and impulsive person- this can also be translated to IMPATIENT ( I am working on this) 3. I'm okay- writing helps me get out my feelings so don't worry.. I'm Okay, just having a rough spell. 4. Please, please comment if you have prayer ideas, responses etc. I would really love to hear from you.
I know I haven't posted anything since Halloween time and I had hoped by now I'd have good news to share, but I don't. I'm just really frustrated. If you don't belong to Facebook, maybe you don't understand this but on Facebook, you can post how you are feeling or what you are doing at any given moment of the day. This is fun to check in and see what my friends are up to. But lately, I'm considering dropping out of the Facebook world. I am about up to my ears in "Surprise, we're expecting our (fill in the number) baby!" Yay! Woohoo! I am apparently, the only one in my circle of friends, which exceeds 100 on Facebook, who is not pregnant or just had a baby. And I'm so envious! How ungodly is that?! I am so ENVIOUS. I'm really trying not to be bitter- but with every month that a child grows in my friends wombs, and not in mine is one more month of distance... that's the only word I can think of.
I don't know how to explain this but I'm just filled with a sense of loss. I feel like I'm losing control over things, I'm waiting on a chance that I'll get pregnant and even like I'm going to lose my friends. Since they will all have kids at the same time, I feel like I'm going to have nothing in common with them, they'll all naturally group together and I'll eventually get weeded out. Isn't that so irrational? As irrational as it is, that fear of being left behind is nesting in my heart. Not only do I have to deal with negative pregnancy tests and PMS every month, I hear about how "fat" everyone is getting while they are pregnant. YOU ARE NOT FAT! YOU ARE PREGNANT! Don't you know what I would give to be getting "fat" right now?
And if I have to see another belly pic, I'm going to lose my mind!*
Right now I'm doing a Beth Moore Bible Study on Liberty in Christ and it's been really eye-opening. I'm studying taking my thoughts captive to Christ. Any thoughts that are controlling (ahem... having a child) or filled with something (ahem... fear) that is not of God need to be taken captive to Christ so that I can be of sound mind, and filled with peace and life. The steps to take are to recognize the lies, repent of any sin that may have gotten you there, dismantle the lies, pray and claim God's word over your thoughts, and persevere until your thoughts are not controlling you, but you have found freedom and the mind of Christ.
So, here's where I wonder, and here's where I hope to have a meaningful comment dialog. When applying God's word to my situation, this unspeakably deep longing to be a mom- what do I use? All throughout the Bible, there are barren women. All throughout the Bible, women have kids! I can trust in God but when it comes to specifics, what do I pray? My heart is that I would be pregnant and have a beautiful tiny life in my arms at the end of 9 months. So if I pray that God's will in my life be done, I'm leaving out a huge portion of my current heart's cry. But if I pray for something specific, like a pregnancy, maybe that's not God's will for my life. I want to pray for what moves God's heart and in turn, it will move mine. I want to pray what's "right"- do you sense the people pleaser in me? Trying to please God with what I pray and still being true to my heart is where I'm caught.
I'm just still broken hearted- and I'm trying really hard not to be jealous. I'm trying really hard to remember that God's timing is perfect. I'm persevering, not losing faith, struggling with letting go of what I thought our family would be like.
The hardest thing right now is that I'm alone. I have Abe and he's wonderful but other than that (and he is a boy so he doesn't understand fully), there is no one in my situation. And I'm not joking when I say that! Can you believe it? No one. My best friend is due in June, and by the time I have kids(however it happens), I'm worried that there won't be any connection between her kids and ours. Our time will get less and less as our kids occupy our lives and have friends of their own, their own age, who they'd rather spend time with. We will just connect with those kids' moms. Or they meet up with other friends of mine who have kids the same age and yet again, we just sort of diverge.
When my best friend reads this, she's going to recognize how ridiculous this is. And I do too... it's just hard to put a rational band-aid on an irrational wound. And I hate, HATE that everyone knows we're trying and that every month that goes by, without an announcement, they know "it didn't work". I feel like my privacy is gone- I feel like I don't have control over anything.
I'm seeing glimpses of bitterness... (if you haven't seen them, read above) and I don't want that. Deeply, I don't want that. God is still my ever present comfort- but I need more than that. I need to see Him as my SAVIOR, my DADDY, my LOVE, the giver of all good things, and the one who has great things ahead for me. I need to feel and experience a gut-level connection with Jesus.
Brennan Manning writes: "The Lord is fine-tuned to the hates and loves, disappointments and delights, brokenness and togetherness, the fears, joys, and sorrows of each us. That He knows what hurts the human heart shows up all through His earthly ministry: with the brokenhearted Magdalene crying at His feet, the adulterous woman fearing for her life, the Samaritan woman with her history of failed relationships, the women weeping along the road to Calvary. IT shows up in the many passages that describe Jesus as "having compassion." The Greek verb splangchnizomai is usually translated " to be moved with compassion." But it's etymological meaning is more profound and powerful. The verb is derived from the noun splangchna, which means intestines, bowels, entrails, that is to say, the inward parts from which the strongest emotions arise. In American argot we would call it a gut reaction. That is why English translations resort to active expressions like " he was MOVED with pity" or "his heart WENT OUT to them." But even these verbs do not capture the deep physical flavor of the Greek word for compassion. The compassion that Jesus felt was quite different from superficial and ephemeral emotions of pity or sympathy. His heart was torn, His gut wrenched, the most vulnerable part of His being laid bare."
from Lion and Lamb: The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus
"It (splangchnizomi) is related to the Hebrew word for compassion, rachamim, which refers to the womb of Yahweh. Compassion is such a deep, central and powerful emotion in Jesus that it can only be described as a movement in the womb of God. There all the divine tenderness and gentleness lies hidden. There, God is father and mother, brother and sister, son and daughter. There all feelings, emotions, and passions are one in divine love."
Henri Nouwen Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life
I know that God is weeping with me and that He has deep gut-level compassion for my sadness. I know that in my head but to read Brennan Manning write when Jesus wept with any of us over our hurts... personally with me over this, "the ground of all being shook, the source of all life trembled, the heart of all love burst open, and the unfathomable depth of God's immense, inexhaustible caring revealed itself" speaks to my soul.
I read these passage differently knowing the depth of emotion Jesus has in each of these situations...
Matthew 14:14 When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.
Luke 7: 11-13 11Soon afterward, Jesus went to a town called Nain, and his disciples and a large crowd went along with him. 12As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out—the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her. 13When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, "Don't cry."
Matthew 20:34 Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.
Mark 1:41 Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"
Also, in all these passages, Jesus' compassion precedes a "miracle"- a healing or a deliverance. As Jesus continues to have compassion for me, I await the reality of his movement in my life. I will not limit Him. I will only trust and wait. Which I suppose is helping me work on that impatience thing too...
So, at the risk of offending people, I send this out. My faith is real and it's not always praise songs and hugs. Sometimes God is walking with me in the dark night of my soul... this is one of those times. I don't have a whole lot to say to Him, but he knows my heart, He's holding it tenderly as it's breaking and rebuilding, breaking and rebuilding.
Jesus is relentlessly tender. When someone has a broken heart, a deep physical longing, He is relentlessly tender to meet that need- He will meet me in this.
I trust in Him. I trust in Him. I trust in Him.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
*Oh, and please keep posting your belly pics and celebrating the new life within you. I'm just venting and really do enjoy seeing how your bellies grow and I await the newest members of your families with great joy and anticipation.