Tomorrow I go back to work. For those of you who don't know this already, I am a teacher. I teach art to kids ages 5-12. I have been anxiously awaiting this day. The kids are my favorite part of teaching and I'm ready to see their bright smiles.
This past week has been like an out-of-body experience. It's been a workshop week which means that we have staff meetings and district meetings and time in our classroom to prep for the year ahead. I've found that I feel like I'm a stranger in my own skin. A friend of mine who has recently gone through losing a baby by miscarriage helped calm my fears that I might be losing my mind. She knew exactly how I felt, she still walks through it too. She calls it wading through the muck. That pretty much describes it. I feel as though my words don't even make sense. This past week, I would go to school so excited to chat and check in with my friends and find myself not wanting to talk to anyone. I felt like I wanted everyone to know why I was not myself and I didn't want anyone to know. I want everything to get back to normal and I don't want to forget the little life that was inside me. It's a bizarre feeling. I don't know what I want- I can't make decisions... it's wild. That's why I'm so very excited to get into the classroom again- my kids know nothing of what's been going on and that's refreshing. It's almost twice as hard talking to people who know about our loss and don't say anything as it is talking to those who don't know. I find I'm frustrated with people who don't know but I don't want to tell them anything. Do you see how odd this is?
I'm a pretty open person so for me to be closed off like this or unable to figure out what I want to tell people or not tell them is really unsettling. I'm just not myself right now... I hate that. I also hate that underneath all this, there's bit of nagging fear for the future, whispering quietly in the shadows. God will carry us through... IS carrying us through.
So, that's where I am... grrrr...
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Tim. 1:7
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