Closure

I had a checkup on Wednesday with my OB. (Have I mentioned how great I think she is?) Anyway, after some questioning, she decided to do an ultrasound to see how things had progressed. She hurried out of the room to see if they could fit me in then but the ultrasound technician couldn't. She scheduled my ultrasound for right away the next morning and we again, had to wait.

Yesterday I had my final ultrasound. My body has done what it needed to do. I'm no longer pregnant and do not need to have surgical intervention. I am at the same time relieved and disappointed. My OB was off yesterday so I spoke with another doctor. She was very sure that the miscarriage had been complete and that no intervention was needed. Just because she's so good, my OB called me today to check in, let me know that she too had looked over everything and that my body has done it's job. She filled me in on what to expect in the next months and I told her that the next time I see her, I hope it's because I'll be pregnant again. She laughed and said, "Me too, Sarah... me too."

I left the doctor's office on Thursday and had a wave of sadness wash over me. This was what I wanted- closure. There was nothing on the ultrasound, there's no way around that- there's no ambiguity or what-ifs or maybes left. That's good news, now since I've been craving finality. The waiting was the hardest part, for sure, but as I drove away from the clinic, I felt so sad. On one hand, I had my closure, on the other hand, it's now undeniable that we've really lost the baby. The reality of that reared it's ugly head in the car. I just felt physically empty- I still do.

So, now Abe and I look forward to our future. Our future has kids in it- I know it... deep within my heart, I know we will be parents. Whether we complete our family with biological, adoptive, or fostered children, I will be called Mama someday... hopefully sooner, rather than later.

Thank you for your support, your love, your kind words, your prayers, your tears, and your laughter over the past two weeks. It's been a roller-coaster of emotions but threaded through it all has been the sweet presence of Jesus and our friends. We've come out of this with a renewed commitment to God, to each other, and to our future. We've gained great perspective on what really matters in life. We've waded through a pretty deep valley but are nearing the other side.

Harold Kushner wrote a book on the 23rd Psalm and said this, "When illness, bereavement, and the losses that come with age cast a shadow over our lives, God is there to fill the empty space, to remind us that shadows are cast only because the sun is shining somewhere, to take us by the hand and lead us through the valley of the shadow and into the sunlight."

I do feel that God has taken us by the hand and walked us through the valley. I don't feel like we're out yet, but we're heading there. The hard thing about any valley is no matter how much time passes between whatever sent you there and the present, you never forget your voyage through the dark. Any trip into a valley of shadow changes you- hopefully for the better, sometimes for the worse. It is my fervent prayer that Abe and I have been deeply changed... that our hearts are entwined closely together with God and all that He has in store for us. It is my hearts desire to be able to offer comfort to someone who may have gone through the same thing. I know that I will still have sad days, or weeks or seasons but there is a temporary time frame attached to all of those. I know at the end of days, I will race to the arms of my Savior filled with everlasting joy, boundless love, immeasurable peace and infinite gratitude. And then, with breathless joy, I will meet the beautiful life I once carried. Until then, until Zion (our promised land of Heaven) is our reality, we will carry on in faith that God is mighty to save, always good, and ALWAYS alongside us.

With hope, gratitude, and joy...
Sarah and Abe

"There will be dark days, days of loss and days of failure, but they will not last forever. The light will always return to chase away the darkness, the sun will always come out again after the rain, and the human spirit will always rise above failure. Fear will assault us, but we will not be afraid,'for Thou are with me'". Harold Kushner from The Lord is My Shepherd


Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...

Today, I went to a baby shower... I know... insert: stupid, stupid, stupid. What did I expect? I knew that there was going to be tons of baby stuff (which doesn't bother me), numerous pregnant women (who again, don't bother me) and babies (LOVE THEM! LOVE TO HOLD THEM!) What could go wrong? I had prepared myself for the typical baby shower things- even given my situation, these things don't bother me. I'm not upset with every pregnant woman I see or sad when I see a little baby that's not mine! I'm not grieving like that. Again, what could go wrong?!

My dear friend is due in October. She's going to be an amazing mom. She's kindhearted, fun-loving, tender, spontaneous, gentle, patient...(need I say more?) She's built to be a mama. Her child will be loved deeply, cuddled constantly, challenged regularly and exposed to millions of exciting adventures with his bike-riding, ice cream loving, rhubarb eating, children's book crazed mama! It was a beautiful shower with absolutely lovely women. We ate, played games (one of which i won on celebrity baby names... What!? I'm a name person!!!!) opened gifts and finished off the afternoon with key lime pie- my FAVORITE! I even got to hold the most beautiful little two week old baby. What a doll! We cuddled and I fed him- I just couldn't get enough of the little one!

What I didn't anticipate or prepare myself for were all the questions. Well-meaning, kind people asking me if we wanted kids, when we were going to have kids, do you have any kids? I even hesitated... do I say, "well, we are in the process of losing our first... or "no, no kids yet..." The looks on their faces would have made me cry (not a good idea at a happy baby shower). It was just hard and I had to hesitate and plan my words. I said, "none, yet... but soon, hopefully". No one there knew my situation except my friend (whose shower it was). The last thing I wanted to be was the crazy friend crying in the corner. I wanted to celebrate the new life inside her! I wanted to be there! I had makeup on and everything!!!

So, I held it together. By the time I left, I had a headache from holding it together but I didn't lose it. However, on my way out the door, a girl there announced to her friends that she was expecting. I knew she was already, I had guessed a week or so ago. She is due a week before I would have been. But, this is what got me, she pulled out her ultrasound pictures to show her friends and I could see from where I was standing what our baby should have looked like. It was all I could do to breathe on my way out the door. I lost it a bit in the car on the way home and now I just feel like I've been run over by a heavy truck. I hurt all over- but my spirit hurts the most.

I have no doubts that we'll have kids, none. My faith in God is not threatened or lessened when I have a sad day. I am not angry. I am just really jealous right now. I don't know how else to say that. I just am sad that I couldn't celebrate with my friends over beautiful baby-shaped ultrasound pictures. I'm so frustrated that I'm breaking out now and my hair is awful- flat and wierd and just ugly!!!!! (how come no one told me that would happen?) I'm sick of feeling sick- I didn't have morning sickness until I started to lose the baby, now I'm nauseous every evening. I'm disappointed that when we do get pregnant again, it won't be the first time everyone gets to hear that we're expecting- I've already told them in the cute celebratory way I always dreamed of (little personalized onesies to my parents and Abe). I'm grieving that the reality of that first exciting baby is lost.

I know that I am not alone. I know that aside from all the tokens of comfort that surround me from our loved ones, I have the greatest gift of all: the everlasting love of God. I also know that when we do add to our family, God's increased our cheering section exponentially. You've joined us on this journey for such a time as this. I know that you will cheer and yell, laugh and holler, maybe even cry a little when we share good news with you in the future. It seems like such a long way off but I have hope. God will provide- even for me in all my imperfections. I don't always make the best decisions (like going to a baby shower a week after finding out our baby's no longer alive) but I make them with the best of those I love in mind. I knew that my friend would be blessed today by women who love her and are excited for her. I wanted to be there to celebrate with her and celebrate we did!!! I knew she would be happy to see me. I just should have expected the tears that inevitably fell down my cheeks on the drive home.... so maybe instead of calling this post stupid, stupid, stupid... I should give myself grace and call it: a worthy try at normalcy.

At the risk of being repetitive, remember, we're okay. We SO DEEPLY appreciate your messages, kind words, prayers, cards, notes, etc. I look at them off and on and they bring smiles to my face and warm my heart. Thank you for thinking of us at a time like this. Please remember that our loss is so common- that someone next to you could be going through the same thing, or have lost a child at any stage, or have struggled for years with infertility. I wonder how many times I've innocently asked semi-strangers, do you have kids? Are you going to have kids? When are you going to have kids? I pray that I have not unwittingly caused them pain. I hope now that I will learn to think before I ask that simple question. Maybe it's not my business, maybe they're hurting like I am right now, then again, maybe not... I guess I'd just rather err on the side of saying too little, than too much. Or, truly, I'd rather be the type of person that someone could feel comfortable opening up to, and then in the middle of a baby shower, cry to and feel the love of God surround them with my human arms.

Pressed but not crushed,
Sarah and Abe



The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them. (Ps 145.18-19)

You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
(Ps 32: 7)

Comfort

Today, I've been sad. I'm sure that I will have many more days like this one before they completely fade, if they ever do. Even amidst my sadness, I see visions of comfort all around me. These are just a few precious comforts that people whom we love and love us dearly have placed around us to comfort us in the quiet, still sad moments.







This is a bible that was a gift to me from my Grandma. She colored all of her favorite verses. I find comfort here not only from God but from my thoughtful Nana, who pored over every page to share her faith with me.





Quite possibly, Rosie and Violet have comforted me the most today. Refusing to leave my side, the two of them follow me everywhere, curl up at my feet, and sleep in my arms. Sometimes, pets just seem to get it.



Yesterday, I took Abe bowling. Yes, you read correctly: bowling. This is his vacation week and I realized it's been filled with 1 ER visit, 2 OB visits, and countless encounters with a teary wife. I thought he should have some sort of fun. I took him out to lunch at McDonald's (I know.. fancy, right?) and then bowling- where he did quite well and I was an embarrassment. Oh well, we had fun. If I could I would have attached the picture from my cell phone of him bowling a strike. It was a much needed respite in a week of sadness.

My husband has been remarkable this week. Words fail to adequately express what Abe has done for me, how he has cared for me, and how he continues to look out for my well-being at all times. As he prays aloud for God to watch over his wife, comfort her body and give her peace- I'm just speechless. I am so blessed.

I've also been really touched by the kind, compassionate, heartfelt, honest, thoughtful, self-disclosing, and encouraging messages I've received from friends and loved ones all over the country. You have no idea the power of your words. Thank you for continuing to walk alongside us.

Hear my cry, O God;

listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever

and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. Psalm 61:1-4



Sarah and Abe

Peace

Today is a new day. Nothing has changed physically for me but I feel spiritually renewed. I have cried myself out, and all that remains is peace. Deep, beautiful, breathtaking, humbling, joy-filled peace.

Peace is an unexplainable gift. It's a welcome feeling that seems to almost physically weigh on my shoulders. This morning, I find myself giggling about the cucumber that my dogs stole and managed to down half of before I caught them. I'm smiling about the caramel rolls I had for breakfast. I'm warmed by the wonderful time I had with my Bible Study ladies last night. I have peace- real stillness in my soul.

Don't misunderstand, I am not spouting some canned religious "everything is ok, all the time" superficial platitude. I'm sad, deeply saddened by our loss. I look at the ultrasound pictures, at the blob that was my baby and see flashes of what could have been- a child swinging on the swingset, a nightmare that leads a terrified little one into my arms, a sweet smelling brand new baby nestled against my chest. The disappointment that I won't have that when I thought I would makes me sad. There's no way around that- loss is a sad, disappointing, heart-breaking, life-changing thing.

I'm also not trying to compare our situation with those of loved ones who've lost their sweet little ones to a multitude of afflictions. I can't begin to imagine the depth of grief my sister-in-law feels as she lives each day without her beautiful daughter or the breathtaking pangs of losing a child at the brink of delivery. This is our personal loss, our personal experience... our valley. I can't claim to know the depths of grief in someone else, only in myself.

That being said, this I do know. There is no measure as to how high and how wide, how deep and how long, nor how great the love of God is. I've come to the point in the past few months that I don't care if I'm labeled "too religious" or "too fundy". None of those labels matter. What matters is, I HAVE PEACE. I KNOW beyond words, the physical comforts of God. I KNOW that when I cry out, God hears me, I KNOW that. I will not apologize for the great Comforter; The Lover of my Soul; The Healer of all hurts. My only prayer is that in your hurt, your pain, your sorrow... that you'll cry out, sometimes without words... just tears, and let the God of the universe shelter you, comfort you, empower you to continue day after day filled with deep, blessed peace.

I know that we will meet our baby someday in Heaven. I believe that even though our baby was physically not yet developed, he or she was a full-soul and that we will meet face to face someday. And when we do, I will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this sweet soul is my first baby, longed for before they were a thought in our heads, prayed for before they were cells dividing, and thought of with great love long after our lives have moved on. It is because of this great love I have for the baby no longer with us, that I marvel at the love of God. For how much I already loved this child, God's love for us is immeasurably greater.

The Lord says,
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

Isaiah 49:15-16


So, please, don't worry about us. Continue to pray for us- I will always welcome that and I know we still have a lot of healing to go through. We are not out of this valley yet. I've been very honest on this blog about my feelings throughout this process, which is still ongoing, and I will continue to do so. We've had quite a few people comment on how they've followed our story this way and because of that I will keep posting as news, or thoughts come up. I look forward with great longing to the day when we can share the good news of another child with you. For now, we are resting in the immense peace of God, filled with joy and anticipation for what is to come. As I've said before, even in the valley, I am acutely aware that God is NOT done with us yet. What a beautiful thing!


I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Eph. 3:16-19


Sarah and Abe

Heartbroken

I don't have words right now. I'm just heartbroken. Our doctor did another ultrasound and saw that the baby is shrinking, has no heartbeat, and the gestational sac is getting deformed- in preparation for miscarriage. She said, "This is it. This is 100%. This is your definite answer. There is no hope for this pregnancy." She put her hand on my knee and told us that we would get through this. I know that when we have a healthy baby, she will be cheering us on from the front row. I love my doctor. I think she's wonderful. She explained my options and I've decided to wait awhile longer and let my body do it's thing. If this doesn't happen naturally, there are other options but they are not on my radar right now. One really great thing is, I did get pictures from the ultrasound so that I can always know there was a little life in me at one time.

Abe and I ask that you pray for closure for us both physically and emotionally and for comfort as we grieve the loss of our first little baby. Right now, I don't have wonderful words about God to share with you because I'm out of words in general. I'm completely overwhelmed while He's patiently, firmly, and tenderly holding me in the palm of His hand, cradling my broken heart and calming my frayed spirit.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Cor 1:3-5

We thank you for your continued support, love, and prayers. Beseeching God on our behalf is the greatest thing you can do for us right now. As I've said before, we'll be okay, we're just passing through the valley.


Sarah and Abe

Waiting

Abe and I continue to wait. Right now, we've been told that our baby has no heart beat and that I will miscarry. Right now, I still have not lost our baby. So, we wait. I have another ultrasound on Wednesday morning and am longing for a miracle- a heart beat. It truly would be a miracle for so many reasons. In this and through all of this, I still know that God has kids for us in our future. I can't wait to meet them, see their little faces, and cuddle them- dry their tears, hear their giggles, see the wonder as they discover new things. This is sad, heartbreaking... but, we have hope. This is not the final word in our family's story. There's always a future, no matter how deep the valley is now, we are not alone.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4

The key word is THROUGH, we are not dwelling, just passing through the valley. Slowly walking through a deep valley, though.

Longing for the other side, but still walking, trusting in our Lord...

Sarah and Abe

News

This post was supposed to be beautiful and exciting news. Abe and I were going to announce that we were adding to our family and were expecting a baby in March of 2010. Today, however, we found out that our sweet little baby had no heartbeat. I know miscarriage is very common and I grieve that so many women have to experience it. It doesn't change how much it hurts. God is still good... in everything... all the time...

So, this song Glory Baby by Watermark pretty much sums it up:



Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…




Thank you for your prayers as we walk through this valley. Don't worry, we'll make it through.

Sarah and Abe

Abe's Garden

Tonight, my husband brought in a HUGE harvest... one of many, I'm certain. Who needs a farmer's market!? We've got the Wolfe Family Farmer's Market right here! Yum... if you're needing some fresh produce, I'm sure we have enough to share! Enjoy!



This pumpkin isn't done yet and it's gonna be a big one! State Fair, here we come!