just for fun...

I have seen this on a few people's blog and thought it might be fun!


Obsessing over: Christmas music, staying warm in my house, getting rid of winter ants, helping Gemma get all the gunk out of her chest, work, Abe's job.


Working on: a big project about education, getting clay projects up and running, making Christmas presents, being present.

Thinking about: how to keep Gemma healthy over these winter months, snow, Christmas lights, traditions that I want to start with my family.

Anticipating: a busy work day, snuggles from my girl, good news for Abe


Listening to: Pandora "Sufjan Stevens Joy to the World" station... right now it's The Carpenters' Silent NIght.

Drinking: nothing, now... but working towards a large coffee.


Wishing: peace, financial security, a job for Abe that he loves, more time with my family, energy, rest, a good night's sleep.

Dear Gemma- a love letter

Dear Gemma,

Today is Thanksgiving and I though I'd write a little note to you. Someday, maybe I'll print all this out, tie it up with pretty ribbon and present it to you as evidence of how you rocked my world. My words don't do you justice, sweetheart.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude today- everywhere I look it seems that my life is filled to the brim with sweetness. I just read a great book by Shauna Niequist called Bittersweet that met me right where I am. The little vignettes that she led me through made me so aware of the presence of both the bitter and sweet in life. I really like how she said that the sweet is no less sweet when there is a sliver of bitter present.

Right now, your daddy and I are passing through some bitter waters. He still looks for a job doing what he feels calls to do and I pray and cheer and hope and pray and cheer and comfort as he continues to search. Even though this bitter season of job hunting is stressful and preoccupying, we do find GREAT joy in each other and in you, my love.

Gemma, you are like a ripple of laughter that opens up across a space, capturing us all in it's giggle and letting us loose with hope. I long to see your face in the morning, hear your yells and new words during the day, and coos as I sing you to sleep. You are in the midst of a season of great discovery. I can tell this because you keep looking at things with wide open eyes and then at me filled with your silly words- you ask me unintelligible questions and expect a clear response. Sometimes I can't help but answer back seriously with garbled words and shocked expression. It's like speaking a different language, you and I. We chatter and have conversations that leave you satisfied and me utterly confused but filled with love.

You are growing so much right now too, darling. Your feet are getting big, your hair is getting longer, your belly is always puffing out over your diaper like Santa Claus. You run now... did I tell you that? You run, Gemma... that's what it's called when Rosie chases you and you squint your eyes shut and move your feet really fast and unpredictably towards the hall. Most of the time Rosie never touches you, but when she does, Violet barks at her to back off, you scream and giggle which only encourages her to chase you again. You three will be best friends forever, I'm sure.

Your daddy thinks your beautiful... he says it all the time, tells you how special you are, how smart and strong you are. I hope we cover you with compliments all the time. You really are beautiful, smart, and strong. I see glimpses of the woman you will be when you stomp your feet and stand your ground... when you rest your head on my shoulder, give hugs, and look deep into my eyes and smile. You amaze me, sweet one. You amaze me all the time.

You love to say "nanas" when you want a banana and "ca-caw" when you want a cracker. And when I ask you to say "milk" you just sign it instead. You make me laugh all the time... and you make me cry. This last week while you were sick, while I was up with you all night breathing in your sour sick smell, I let little tears loose over you... it's shocking how it hurts me physically to see you in pain. Sometimes I think I can't bear it for all the love I have towards you. Sometimes I think I will go crazy thinking about how important you are to me. Sometimes I think, "hey, I got this under control"... wait- who am I kidding? I NEVER feel that way!

I know that sometimes I get frustrated and overwhelmed and snarky. I'm so sorry- you deserve more than an anxious mama and I'm working on that, I promise. I start every day new, or I try to at least, with the rising of the sun there is a rising in my spirit. A newness, forgiveness, a do-over... A promise to play more, and play right, and lead more, and teach more, and give more, and take less... and then, in the quiet of the night, hushed prayers fall out of my mouth- songs of praise, laments for forgiveness, and nuggets of thanksgiving to the God of creation who knit you together and handed you to me to grow and raise and eventually let go. What was He thinking? I mean seriously, how could I ever be enough?

I guess that's the beauty of knowing that you are God's precious child first- I don't have to be enough... it's impossible... but He is enough. He will always be there, always love you just the right way, always guide you, always support you, appropriately discipline you, set healthy boundaries, let you fly when the time is right...

I am a poor man's representation of divine love, pumpkin. And if what I feel is the small version of love for you- it's mind-bending to imagine what God feels for you, sweet jewel. My deepest hope for you is that you find security in the presence and promises of God. He is so good, my sweet girl, so good.

I'm sure in the next few weeks you'll get more teeth, new words, bumps on heads and elbows, colds and sleepless nights, and lots more giggles, hugs and snuggles. I am overjoyed to be on this journey with you, Gemma. You make me a better person, a more repentant person, a more forgiving person... I pray I do the same for you.

And your daddy? Well, we lucked out didn't we, baby? He's pretty amazing and I know you see it... you show him that you love him by resting your little head on his chest, calling out "da DA" in the morning, and grabbing his toes. I pray that someday you'll wear a ring on your left hand that comes from a man like your daddy- a humble, hard-working, patient, faithful, honest, loving, and supportive man- and I pray that he'll hold your hand while you fall asleep, just like your daddy does with me.

Gemma, I'm so thankful for you every day, but especially today- while we celebrate with family and friends all good gifts. You are the best present I ever got...

I love you, I love you, I love you...

Mama

Will you write a love letter to your baby(ies)? I'm thinking of making this a consistent practice. Someday, I may just wrap them up and give them to her so that in her darkest moments she can read of God's promises, my love for her and her innate worth.

Happy Thanksgiving!

S

Snow...

It's Tuesday. There has been a whisper of snow in the forecast here in Minnesota. I know a good number of the mamas on this blog will be rolling their eyes and turning their heat up one more degree (or two) but no, not I. I anxiously peer out the window- at home, at school, in the car... waiting for the sky to open up and sprinkle the ground white. There's a song by Over the Rhine that refers to snow as falling forgiveness. Oh, isn't that beautiful? It's like a blanket over a chilled ground- It settles everything, puts everything to sleep, encourages all plants, trees, and ground cover to go dormant in order to rebirth in the spring.

I know it sounds crazy to those of you "sunbirds" who crave long sunlit days on warm, toasty beaches but I love this time of year. I already put up my Christmas tree- not because I'm so intensely fond of Christmas Day but because I am so intensely warmed by this fall/holiday season. There is so much depth to this time of year and the snow really guides me in that journey.

Awaiting the birth of our Savior (and yes, I know Jesus wasn't really born in December and that we are meshing a pagan holiday with a religious one... I know, just go with me) seems to take on more reflection in the silence of snow. I have loved how snow sucks up sound as long as I can remember. It truly does- suck it up, absorb, drown, still, silence, muffle, deafen ALL sound- I love it. I feel like my brain moves so fast all the time, taking everything in, trying to control everything, making sure all my "ducks are in a row" that sometimes, that forced quiet is the most blessed sound.

This season, fall-Thanksgiving-Christmas, is the height of family nesting for me. It's soups and stews in crockpots, fires in the fireplace, snuggly fleece pj's, hot cocoa or cider with my sweetie, an extra blanket on our bed, and slippers. It's sneaking in to cover Gemma with a warm blanket, feeling her little neck to make sure she's warm enough. It's warmth and everything that goes along with it. It's a very reflective time for me- I think about my family, my child(ren) and all the things I want to do with them in the future. I think about traditions and activities, practices and remembrances I want to instill in my family. Abe and I have talked about it but we haven't really defined what we want our "family practices" to look like in regards to the holidays. There are certain things we'd like to do and will, we're just not sure if Gemma is old enough yet. There is always the argument that if you start young, they'll never know anything different.

We'd really like to serve every holiday- either in a soup kitchen, or in some concrete, tangible way partnered with a local organization or our church to make lasting connections between gratitude, service, and celebration. My husband is especially passionate about this as he was the recipient of service like this as a child.

We've talked about how to really make the Christmas Story meaningful to our kids. How do we make Christmas really honor the beautiful gift of a Savior? I've heard so many wonderful ideas- advent calendars, nightly readings of the Christmas story from different sources- children's Bibles, books, different Bible translations; Nativity scenes. But really, the most tangible example of the reality of Christ is in the example of the parents, right? Humbling, huh?

And then there's Santa, presents, and the hoopla that goes along with the commercialized Christmas. How do we give our family the innocent joy of gifts and giving without making them greedy? How do we introduce Santa knowing that someday, we may have to break a child's heart with a grown-up truth?

As much as I love, love, love this time of year, the truth is- I love whatever forces me to reflect and focus on my family. For me, that's a forced indoor retreat. It's bundling up and cuddling together; it's eating warm food together, lighting candles that smell like Apple Pie, and reading stories under hushed covers. Truth is, I can do this any time of year, but this season inspires me.

What about you? What are your happy family traditions around this time of year? If you hate winter, what do you do to make this season meaningful? And by season, I mean this whole Fall-Thanksgiving-Christmas season.

I really hope that you are bundled up, warm, safe, and surrounded by your loved ones this lovely time of year.

waiting for snow and all it brings...

Sarah

Darlin' Darlin'

Christmas is coming

Salvation Army bells are ringing

Darlin' Darlin'

Christmas is coming

Do you believe in Angels singing?

Darlin' Darlin'

the snow is falling

falling like forgiveness from the sky.

- "Darlin' (Christmas is Coming)"

Over the Rhine

gratitude

My gratitude list today is in pictures. Gemma and I are home sick- we both have colds. I am on antibiotics and she is just snotty. We decided to get a little fresh air today since we've been cooped up since Saturday. After a walk around the block, we sat down in the driveway and had our own little popsicle party. I've never let her just have her own. She loved it! In the spirit of just letting her experience life, I took off her shirt, put a blanket underneath her and handed her a dark purple popsicle. Stains all over her chest and mouth are the result, and I love it!

I'm so thankful for her health- even though she's sick right now- her total well-being is healthy. I'm overjoyed to be her mama.






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Happy Monday!

Oh Joy!

When Abe and I took Gemma to church, probably about a month after she was born- one of the only times we took her out in public, I remember begging God to heal her. I remember this so vividly- I was standing on the left side of the congregation- I was holding Gemma- I was singing. I remember begging, "God, please heal her. Please. Lord, please heal my little girl."

...and I heard an answer: " Of course I'm going to heal her."

and so we waited.

at 3 months, I tried to wean her off of meds, watched her aspirate in her swallow study... again and upped her meds for the first time.

at 6 months, I tried to wean her off her meds again- instead we needed to up her dose again in order to keep her from being in awful pain at night.

at 8 months, I watched her fail another swallow study and set up exploratory surgery to figure out why she was unable to swallow correctly. I had really thought that this was going to be the one where we saw God's amazing power just take all concern away.

Gemma is now almost 11 months old. In the past two months, I have been struggling with fear. Not only fear that something could hurt my girl but fear that God can't be trusted to care for her. I'm not under any illusions that good things happen to Christians because they pray a certain way or "name it and claim it". For some, that may be their experience but I've seen too many lives lost, too much pain, and too much illness to rest comfortably in that. What I do know is that God is good; God heals; God saves; and God is ever-present. And as I tried to wean her off her meds again at 10 months, I felt terrified. I had visions of her writhing in pain again- choking on her own reflux... the list is endless. The bottom line is, I was terrified.

And even as I was successfully weaning her, it took the wise words of my best friend- "Sarah, you need to cry out to God with this- ask Him to show you how to conquer this fear" to help me remember that promise from 9 months earlier.

"Of course I am going to heal her".

Now technically, she has not ever passed a swallow study, but we've cancelled the optional exploratory surgery due to possible anesthesia complications and have been feeding her thin liquids since May. She has NOT gotten aspiration pneumonia (the primary concern of all her doctors) and has now successfully weaned off Prevacid. So right now, she is just like any other kid who has no feeding issues. She is healed. Her healing may not look the way I thought it would but here she is and she is fine and thriving. How can I NOT trust this God who followed through on caring for my daughter? I needed to remember that promise and see the fulfillment of it here in Gemma's life in order to let go of some of these fears. I know that not everyone gets this kind of answer and because of that I am truly humbled. I'm not minimizing any suffering or anyone else's longings for healings. I can only speak from my experience and my heart.

I know that anything could happen to Gemma and I will continue to be smart and safe but I am really putting my trust in God. It will be a daily surrendering for me- forever probably, but because I love her so very much, I will place her in the ever worthy arms of Jesus. I will pray over her, love her, steward her, guide her, and ultimately show her the love of God in any way I can. AND I will choose JOY in the midst of it. That's my new mantra for parenting. In the midst of dirty diapers, fearful illnesses, a fallen world, and a whole host of other scary things, I will CHOOSE JOY.

And Oh, what a Joy she is!

Wordless Wednesday

Post Baby Home Tour-Gratitude- I love Minnesota!

One thing I really love about Minnesota is our home. It's a small two bedroom one-story in Shoreview but it has such charm and character. This summer I really wanted to make it feel like my fingerprints were on it. I have been really inspired by some great decorating blogs lately so I've made a couple little changes to our house. First I did a collage wall over our couch. I like it, kind of eclectic, and it shows off my love of pictures.




Then I decided to get wild with our kitchen wall and I painted wallpaper- yep, I used a stencil, drew it all out and then painted it by hand with a little brush. It was tedious and by far imperfect but I like the way it turned out. Just a fun change!





Gemma's room has stayed pretty much the same- added the rocker instead of the recliner. Our late nights of extended rocking are hopefully, for the most part, over. We can rock her in this for brief spells or in the living room in the cushy recliner!




We received some bedding from my mom when she redid their guest room and so while I was pregnant with Gemma, we went "Green" in our room. A fun change- a little girly, but that's okay! I really wanted to get a quilt in there eventually and this one is nice for the summer.





All in all, I love our home. It is one more thing that I'm just over-the- moon for about Minnesota. Someday we'll add another bedroom, another bathroom, another garage and finish off the porch but until then... it's just perfect.

Happy summer!

Gratitude #'s 210ish?

Sour neon gummy worms

little baby belly laughs

my girl dancing behind her stroller

the incredible U2 concert at TCF Stadium in the driving rain on Saturday night. IT was hands down, the most amazing concert I have ever been to. I'm truly considering sending a thank you note to the band. I feel like I was given a beautiful gift.

freshly mowed grass

my parents- so much gratitude for them right now. I'll write more on why specifically I'm so thankful for them but it has to do with one tired mama and a baby who needed to Cry It Out. :)

beautiful weather that wraps it's warm breezy arms around you as you sit outside at night.

White wine on the patio

The bug bag- to get rid of the Japanese Beatles eating Abe's wine grapes.

Sleeping with the windows open.

Holding his hand as I fall asleep

Truly, truly thankful.