Abe

I wanted to post some pictures of my husband's "vineyard". He got up early one morning and photographed his grapes. For those of you who don't know this already, he makes his own wine and grows his own grapes right here in our yard! He has an impeccable green thumb and has planted roses and lavender around his vines. It smells heavenly. He's so talented. I love watching him work with his vines. It truly is a labor of love. He's already made a few different wines that are aging in our wine cellar. It's his way of being an artist, a farmer, and an entrepreneur all at the same time! I lucked out when I married him. Enjoy!

Riding the tide

I found a website through a news story on TV about a young family who lost their baby at about 26 weeks, I think. (For those of you reading this, don't worry, I'm not panicking or showing any signs of losing our little girl.) Anyway, she's started a blog where she writes letters to her lost little girl. I read her story, her letters, and cried- for Briana Joy (Heather's little girl in heaven), for Abe and my first baby, and for countless others I've met who've lost pregnancies, infants, children at all ages or have yet to welcome a child into their womb or family.

In the past couple of days, I feel as though I've been riding the tide. Moving in and out, towards and away from some anchored shore- some sense of stability. I never realized how much of a control freak I am until I am utterly unable to control the things that are most important to me.

It seems like with every kick I feel in my belly, I get a rush towards the shoreline, and then every hour without a kick, a slow drift out to sea. Sometimes I am oblivious to this push and pull in my spirit and sometimes, like when I read something about infant loss, or watch A Baby Story, I'm acutely aware of the fragility of life.

I've been busy preparing to welcome a new life into this house, into our lives. And with all this preparation, the nursery and the registering, the many nightly bathroom breaks, and the doctor's appointments, I get closer to the shoreline. The problem is, and go with the metaphor, I'm swimming in a riptide- I have to swim parrallel to the shore, all the while I'm able to see it- the end in the sight, the soft little bundle of life that I will hold in my arms- I just can't go there yet. Which, in all honesty is good- I want her to stay in my belly as long as she needs to be fully developed. Still, the impatient, control freak in me, wants to ignore the lifeguard's warnings and swim for shore with all my might.

So, excuse the metaphor, I feel like God is that lifeguard for me right now, directing me in patience, holding my fears and uncertainties in His capable hand and guiding me along the shoreline until I can swim in. I still know the possibility of "no guarantees" but my pregnancy right now is a reality . The daughter inside me is a reality. No matter what now, I will get to meet her- to hold her, to see who she looks like, and see her little hands and feet. That is where I am right now: feeling her kicking, however uncomfortable it is, is the most awe-inspiring thing I've ever felt. I've been praying over the development of her little brain, body, and personality, and I love connecting with her this way- imagining her little nose, her eyes, whether she'll have hair or not, her cry, her personality (I've been praying for an easy-going spirit in her- Lord knows, with Abe and I as her parents, she's more likely to be stubborn and strong-willed). She's already loved beyond capacity. She is already my daughter. I can't wait to meet her. I can't wait to feel her in my arms. I can't wait to hear she's made it through my pregnancy okay. But, I need to wait, for her well-being and development. And if I love her that much already, I want the best for her which means swimming along the shoreline not quite making it to the beach just yet.

I have hope- great hope in the life Abe and I will live here on earth. God has been infinitely faithful to both of us; providing us with each other, a strong church family, family that are like friends and friends that are family, and most importantly by continuing to remind us that He's alongside us through all of this. He's knitting together our family as we wait- He's stitching a new character into our lives and I can't wait to see how she fits in with us.

There is no one else I'd rather go through this journey with than Abe. He's been wonderful. That seems like a very small word for a man who holds my heart in his hand with such tenderness and selflessness, that I'm constantly grateful for him. Losing our first little baby pulled the ties that hold us together ever tighter, renewed our bond as husband and wife, and focused us towards God with collective resolve. Now, it's as magical to see him place his hand on my belly and feel her move as it is to feel her myself. When he talks to her, something in me breaks- his silly voices, his jokes, the tenderness with which he already addresses his daughter just cracks my heart open. And what a beautiful broken heart that is- it's the acute realization of how vulnerable you really are; how much you've aligned your heart with another heart. My mom says that parenthood is so much worse- you think you know vulnerability now, just wait until you have a child- you never knew you could love something so much.

So, riding the tide is where I'll be for the next 3 months. It still seems really far away and yet frighteningly close. I will continue to pray for a fast and uncomplicated delivery, healthy mama and baby, increasingly deepened relationship for Abe and I, and the absence of fear.

And, I will listen to the Lifeguard- swim along the shoreline until the time is right to make a break for the beach. I know He's guiding me along in this journey and what better guide can I have than the maker of the seas.

High-tide or Low-tide, I will have peace.


Sarah

26 Week Stats!

Baby Wolfe stats:

Gender: Girl
Approx. 2 lbs
Approx. 9 inches long from crown to rump.
Kicking like crazy!!!

98 days to go!

Nesting...

I will have Abe take a picture of me this weekend so you can see the difference... I'm getting big! This is just an update of the nursery and how things are here. I have been working a bit on our daughter's room- getting the bedding, doing some little art projects. It's been fun! I think that the closer I get to finishing it, the more impatient I become for her arrival so taking my time is my passive-aggressive way to not get too impatient!

I've been feeling really good lately. Last week I had a bout of some repetitive contractions- I think they were just Braxton Hicks but my doctor had me come in and check anyway. I hadn't been feeling the baby move as much either so I got a little concerned. They hooked me up to the fetal heartrate monitor and as soon as I was hooked up to that, the little darling in my belly decided to swim the 500. She was moving so much that they couldn't even get an accurate heart rate read on her. The nurse who was hooking me up said, "oh, you're going to be in trouble in a few weeks when you start to feel ALL of that!" and just smiled. It was reassuring for me to feel her move so much but I would have loved to have that heart rate measure that the doctor's could see. I have no reason to be concerned, I just would have loved to have another reassuring "Everything looks great!"

The doctor ordered a fetal-fibronectin test (I have no idea how to spell that) to make sure that I wasn't going into preterm labor and thankfully the test came back negative. They told me that I needed to drink a lot of water- more than I have been... even though I thought I was hydrated. That seems to help keep the contractions at bay or at least at a much less frequent level. I'm taking it easy, doing some prenatal Yoga, and trying to get good quality sleep. All in all, I'm feeling really good.

She's moving a lot now and I get to feel her pretty regularly. I love feeling her move. It's the most amazing feeling. Sometimes it's not that comfortable- she seems to kick me in the oddest places but it reassures me that she's there and reminds me of the miracles that are conception, pregnancy, and childbirth.

I've been struggling with fear lately. Fear of the unknown for delivery and post-delivery, fear for her safety and her well-being, and fear for Abe and my life after we add a child to our family. I know that fear is not what God wants for me or for my family during this special time so I've really been praying against that. I read a book called "Supernatural Childbirth" that Heather gave me about claiming God's promises for your conception, pregnancy, labor, delivery and childbirth and it's really gotten me thinking. I've been praying for a fast and uncomplicated delivery and I trust God can provide me with that. I'm also praying for a healthy baby and mommy at the end of this. I'm trusting that God will hear my prayer. I know God can do it. He is capable of anything. This book made one remark that stuck with me: "God is no respecter of people" meaning He doesn't show favoritism or exclusivity so His promises are as much for me as for anyone. Heather had told me about a book in which the author said that God wants us to believe that His promises are possible, that He can do whatever miracle we request. Whether that miracle is what we receive or not, God is still capable. We live in a fallen world and the reality is that everything is not the way it should be. Babies die, mothers die, families get hurt, distruction and pain are still present in this world but I have hope. I know in my heart that God has children for Abe and I in our future and I will claim that promise. I will have faith that God can provide me with a fast, uncomplicated delivery and a healthy baby girl when the time is right.

My mom said that I should pray for God's will because His will is always what's right for us. I agree with that but take it one step further. I believe God's will for me is to "be fruitful and multiply" (Gen 1:28) and that His will is for me to be blessed with children "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him." (1 Sam 1:27) I know these to be truths and I will leave the rest up to God. I will believe Him and leave the details that can be so worrisome up to Him. He's much better at dealing with my worry and fear than I am!

So, I guess you could say I've been nesting: both in home and heart. I am becoming increasingly aware of the decisions I make and their impact on my child. I'm paring down my life and getting rid of things that are unnecessary or pre-occupy my mind and am trying to focus on what's really important. No matter what- when this life is over, you can't take your savings with you, your good looks, your nice clothes, your clean house, your education, or your status with you. All that remains is your love for God and your love for others. After all the "stuff" is gone, there will be life and God. So, with that in mind, I am seeking to raise my child to love God, love others, and be fulfilled. All the temporal things: job, housing, clothing, etc. has to play a part in her life but not in her eternity.

Deep thoughts for 7:30 in the morning, huh?


For those of you praying for Abe and I as we grow this little girl, I would ask that you join me in praying for:

1. A healthy baby and a healthy mom at the end of this pregnancy.
2. A fast and uncomplicated delivery for Sarah.
3. An increasingly deeper relationship between Abe and Sarah as they become parents.
4. the full absence of worry, fear, or uncertainty in the heart/mind of Sarah, Abe, and the doctors who work with them.


If you are "signing on" to pray for us, please let me know. It's wonderful and such a blessing to know that others are thinking of you, carrying you to the throne of God, and keeping your well-being in their heart throughout this process.

I've been so blessed by this verse lately. I just picture God holding me and my unborn daughter so tightly in the palm of His hand.

Isaiah 49:15-16
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

and have no compassion on the child she has borne?

Though she may forget,

I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;

your walls are ever before me.




So, just for fun, here's a little sneak peak at a few things in the nursery. It's not done yet and I'll post pics of it all when it is done but here's something to tide you over.

Sarah

This is the branch that I painted to go over her crib. Underneath it, I will hang the letters for her name.



This is on her book shelf- I said, no pink and no theme in the nursery and here I am... pink and birds. Sheesh!



A small corner of one of the letters for her name... no, you can't see the whole thing!



This is the quilt of her bedding, hanging on the wall for now just for looks- since she won't be using it for a long time!



Lastly, this is a darling little child-size rocking chair that I got at HomeGoods for $39. It's totally frivolous but I couldn't resist! It's so cute and I have visions of our little girl rocking on it with a book. Abe thinks I've lost it! At least the dogs haven't discovered it yet as a place for them to recline!!

22 Weeks and a girl

So, we found out what we're having: a little girl! I'm really excited and so is Abe although he is already thinking ahead to dating and weddings and feeling stressed...

Plenty of time for that later. I wanted to post another picture for those of you who don't see me every day. What a difference 7 weeks makes! Wow! I'm over half way there and feeling pretty good. I'm feeling her kicking and punching and I love it. It reminds me that she's in there and that she's alive! Feeling her little moves in my belly is really amazing. That being said, I can't wait to hold her in my arms and feel her little squirming body for real!

My best friend Heather just had her daughter Evalyn Joy on Wednesday June 2nd and it made me all the more excited to be having a little girl. To be able to raise our little ladies together is going to be really special. I can't wait to watch our daughters carry on our friendship (let's hope they like each other!). Please continue to keep Evalyn in your prayers as she is still in the NICU working on her breathing. We are hoping she'll be home in a week or so.

I'm starting to feel fearful about the delivery and post delivery life with my little one so I'm going to spend this summer really focusing myself on being ready for her. I bought a devotional journal called Jesus: 90 days with the One and Only by Beth Moore and look forward to starting my morning in a centered, focused way- inviting God into my frazzled world and allowing Him to make peace out of all of this.

I read over all my blog posts from when we lost our first baby and felt really emotional over not only the loss of our baby but over the distance I feel between me and God right now. I know in that crisis, I felt God's presence so distinctly and so tangibly. I am entering into a new season in my life where responsibilities are changing drastically and I need that intimacy with God. So, I'm handing over my fear and pressing into the palm of the creator so that I am the mother God wants me to be to my little girl. I know I won't be perfect- I'm so thankful that I don't have to be. I am filled with love for this little life inside me and that's a beautiful place to start. I'm just praying I hear God's voice leading me and that I don't take Him for granted. All in all, though, I am doing well and waiting with breathless anticipation for baby girl Wolfe.

Even though I am feeling good, moving easily, and sleeping pretty well sometimes I pass a mirror and I feel like this:

Quick Update!

So, I am 15 weeks along now and have a tummy, for sure! By the end of the day, I swear it's 3 times this size... what am I eating?!!

I'm feeling much better these last 7 days or so- the nausea seems to have passed. For awhile there, I was eating everything in sight- it was the only thing that helped me feel better. So, now I look forward to settling in to a more normal eating schedule. I am not as tired either so hopefully that bodes well for the next 14 weeks or so.

We have a doctor's appointment coming up in the next week and then I'll schedule my 20 week ultrasound. We're not sure yet if we're going to find out the gender of the baby but we're leaning in that direction. Other than that, I'm starting to check out daycare options and panicking a bit as many seem full.

My wise husband suggested we pray about this together and as we seek God's peace in this, I'll keep calling daycares and hoping for a great opening somewhere that we feel totally safe leaving our little babe. Any suggestions?

God is so good, huh? So good.

Hope

I know I haven't written in a while- I'm okay and I have been doing a lot of thinking. Through the holidays, a quiet settled into my soul. That doesn't mean that we didn't try in January or that I didn't count the days, and feel sad when I saw that negative on the test. Abe wrapped his arms around me- I promise I wasn't even crying- and said, "I'm sorry, it's going to be okay." And I knew that it would- I was disappointed but this quiet rested on me...

I have so much to be thankful for. It's absolutely absurd that I want for anything. I have a husband who loves me so well and at whom I am continually amazed. He's my soul mate, my other half, my best friend, my heart's desire. He's great. :) I have two super cute doggies who I love, but who drive me crazy a bit. I love my job- I have a wonderful church home and family nearby. I love our house- everything about it- except the scary retaining wall- I LOVE my life. I do... so it's absurd that I can get so caught up in the one thing I feel is missing. And that's what I felt. I felt that a part of my future had disappeared with that baby. Because I write or talk when I need to get something out, I turned to this blog. I poured out my heart, the good and the ugly, and felt release. I cried out to God and then I cried out to you.

That Thursday morning in January, I had almost accepted defeat... then I looked again. I dared to hope. I know that in the grand scheme of all the world, my experience is not earth shattering or even note-worthy when earthquakes take out entire cities, and poverty knows no end. But, losing a pregnancy, a sense of innocence, and most importantly, the hope of what was to come was deeply defining to me. Almost when I had resigned myself to being hopeless, a faint blue line appeared.

I am unbelievably grateful. What a small word for such a swell in my soul. I feel guilty to be so blessed. That's irrational, I know- and maybe not so irrational. Because truly, what do we deserve? If I truly got what I deserved, I'd be in big trouble. With every phrase of praise on my lips, there were questions and fears and doubts for God. And yet, through it all, I moved closer to God. I can't say God stepped closer to me because He is never farther away than we push Him. After fighting and crying and blaming and sitting in silence, I full-out ran to God. I didn't care what following Him looked like, I just knew that I could not handle this anymore on my own and run to Him I did. And wow, did He touch me. He wrapped his mercy and tenderness around me, forgiving me over and over for my harsh words and doubting heart and covered me with peace.

I am trying to take nothing for granted and am praying daily that I continue to be reminded of the fragility of life- the lack of guarantees in this world- and the everlasting hope that lies within the promise of Jesus.

With that, I feel the need to apologize. I'm sorry for being selfish in my posts. I know firsthand the hardships many of my friends and loved ones go through and I feel almost guilty to be seemingly on the other side. I'm trying to be sensitive of the hurt of others so I won't be posting a bunch of updates on Facebook. I will blog- for me... read it if you'd like, don't if you're not interested. Writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings are really good for me. So, I will continue to do that.

I also know that this is only the beginning- so many uncertainties lie ahead, so many possibilities for pain. I do not think for a second that life is settled into patterns of perfection. That's not how this world operates- but the fact that I long for that state of bliss, proves Heaven over and over again. You can't be homesick for something that doesn't exist, can you?

So, if you've stuck with me for this long, thanks. I'm overjoyed and ridiculously humbled and downright tongue-tied to announce that I'm pregnant. Abe and I will, if all goes well, welcome a baby into our Wolfe Pack in October. I've seen the heartbeat twice- my risk of miscarriage is less than 5% until I'm twenty weeks. I even got to see our baby dancing on the ultrasound image on Friday. Moving! Wiggling! Rubbing it's tiny face! It was awesome. Please know I'm not taking a second of that for granted. I'm not taking a second of the nausea I've been feeling for 6 weeks for granted. What God has chosen to bless me with takes my breath away.


1 Samuel 1:27

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

Speechless (believe it or not),

Sarah