I know I haven't written in a while- I'm okay and I have been doing a lot of thinking. Through the holidays, a quiet settled into my soul. That doesn't mean that we didn't try in January or that I didn't count the days, and feel sad when I saw that negative on the test. Abe wrapped his arms around me- I promise I wasn't even crying- and said, "I'm sorry, it's going to be okay." And I knew that it would- I was disappointed but this quiet rested on me...
I have so much to be thankful for. It's absolutely absurd that I want for anything. I have a husband who loves me so well and at whom I am continually amazed. He's my soul mate, my other half, my best friend, my heart's desire. He's great. :) I have two super cute doggies who I love, but who drive me crazy a bit. I love my job- I have a wonderful church home and family nearby. I love our house- everything about it- except the scary retaining wall- I LOVE my life. I do... so it's absurd that I can get so caught up in the one thing I feel is missing. And that's what I felt. I felt that a part of my future had disappeared with that baby. Because I write or talk when I need to get something out, I turned to this blog. I poured out my heart, the good and the ugly, and felt release. I cried out to God and then I cried out to you.
That Thursday morning in January, I had almost accepted defeat... then I looked again. I dared to hope. I know that in the grand scheme of all the world, my experience is not earth shattering or even note-worthy when earthquakes take out entire cities, and poverty knows no end. But, losing a pregnancy, a sense of innocence, and most importantly, the hope of what was to come was deeply defining to me. Almost when I had resigned myself to being hopeless, a faint blue line appeared.
I am unbelievably grateful. What a small word for such a swell in my soul. I feel guilty to be so blessed. That's irrational, I know- and maybe not so irrational. Because truly, what do we deserve? If I truly got what I deserved, I'd be in big trouble. With every phrase of praise on my lips, there were questions and fears and doubts for God. And yet, through it all, I moved closer to God. I can't say God stepped closer to me because He is never farther away than we push Him. After fighting and crying and blaming and sitting in silence, I full-out ran to God. I didn't care what following Him looked like, I just knew that I could not handle this anymore on my own and run to Him I did. And wow, did He touch me. He wrapped his mercy and tenderness around me, forgiving me over and over for my harsh words and doubting heart and covered me with peace.
I am trying to take nothing for granted and am praying daily that I continue to be reminded of the fragility of life- the lack of guarantees in this world- and the everlasting hope that lies within the promise of Jesus.
With that, I feel the need to apologize. I'm sorry for being selfish in my posts. I know firsthand the hardships many of my friends and loved ones go through and I feel almost guilty to be seemingly on the other side. I'm trying to be sensitive of the hurt of others so I won't be posting a bunch of updates on Facebook. I will blog- for me... read it if you'd like, don't if you're not interested. Writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings are really good for me. So, I will continue to do that.
I also know that this is only the beginning- so many uncertainties lie ahead, so many possibilities for pain. I do not think for a second that life is settled into patterns of perfection. That's not how this world operates- but the fact that I long for that state of bliss, proves Heaven over and over again. You can't be homesick for something that doesn't exist, can you?
So, if you've stuck with me for this long, thanks. I'm overjoyed and ridiculously humbled and downright tongue-tied to announce that I'm pregnant. Abe and I will, if all goes well, welcome a baby into our Wolfe Pack in October. I've seen the heartbeat twice- my risk of miscarriage is less than 5% until I'm twenty weeks. I even got to see our baby dancing on the ultrasound image on Friday. Moving! Wiggling! Rubbing it's tiny face! It was awesome. Please know I'm not taking a second of that for granted. I'm not taking a second of the nausea I've been feeling for 6 weeks for granted. What God has chosen to bless me with takes my breath away.
1 Samuel 1:27
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
Speechless (believe it or not),
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