It all comes down to...

What a year 2012 has been already.

Gemma's been sick, as usual... with hand, foot, and mouth disease especially- nasty, rotten, virus- go away.

Abe has taken on another part time job. He's working evenings too so we have an hour or so together as a family in between my work and his 2nd job. He's so passionate about being out of debt and I am too... I just find myself wishing he were here instead of there. But, it's temporary, and for all the right reasons.

Work has been busy, challenging, exciting, humbling. I've experienced moments of bravery in myself that I didn't have in me before. I've wrestled with a host of challenges... and I've just wrestled.

And then there's that... that still small voice. That rumbling whisper. That earth-shattering hush. The soft- fierce breath of the Holy. I feel like I'm going through a period of refinement. I know I am a wreck of a person- I can be so short-tempered and impatient. I keep wishing I wasn't, I DO try to work on it, I apologize, and then I slip up again. I am impulsive and anxious sometimes- especially when Gemma doesn't sleep or gets a fever. I'm not going to lie- those are not "pretty" moments for me. I flip easily into worry mode, anxiety mode, "help me- I don't know what to do" mode. I overreact and can't take back my emotional explosions. I cry easier than I should, yell more quickly than I should, and become a wife/mama I don't want to be.

And it all comes down to...

this.

James 1:27 ²⁷ Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Why now, God? Why now? Why would you stir my heart for the orphans of the world, now? Now, when I'm at my most raw- my most wrecked. Now, when I'm tense or anxious; now, when Gemma is fighting illness after petty illness after petty illness and I can't figure out that they're petty until long after she's in the midst of the next one! Why now, God? What do you want me to do with this stirring? Why such an intense, immediate, shocking, gut-wrenching pull to the 147 million orphans in the world? I'm not good enough to make a difference. I'm not laid back enough to take this on. What do you want from me?

I've always felt a pull towards justice and mercy ministry... always. and most directly towards children. But not. like. this.

It all comes down to...

this.

Psalm 82:3 Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed

I don't know what it means. I don't know what God wants from me- from us. Abe has committed to praying about it and I just continue to read about orphan ministry. I don't know what my place is in all of this but I know that God is moving me somewhere. Adoption? Foster care? Church Orphan Ministry? Adoption/Foster Care Support?

I feel like, as a Christian, it is absolutely irresponsible, and unfaithful to ignore the cause of the orphan in this world. I don't claim to be an expert in the rumblings of the Holy Spirit, but sometimes I just feel it in my gut. Sometimes, I just can't deny God moving me towards something. This is one of those times.

So, really....

it all comes down to....

Jesus.

Matthew 25:35-40 Jesus says, ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

And, if I'm really honest with my emotional, impulsive, anxious, flawed, wrecked self- there's nowhere else I'd rather be than in the midst of the mission of Jesus. I hate feeling like I've watered Him down somehow. It seems as though, when things get under "my control", I seem to leave Jesus on the sideline. I seem to place God on a shelf and say, "I'm just fine here by myself. No crisis. No immediate need, God. Carry on- as You were". If you've been there, right in the heart of God's will for your life, you know, there's nothing sweeter, nothing harder, nothing more heart-breaking or fulfilling than to walk reaching for the robe of the Almighty. Chasing Him- that's where I want to be. I don't know what that means, specifically but something in the realm of serving the least of these- specifically orphans- is rumbling in my spirit. Right now, I just feel like I'm waiting to get on the biggest, most exciting, most terrifying roller coaster and my turn is just around the corner.

That's just where I am. Take it or leave it. No cute pictures of Gemma right now, plenty to come soon as we get our professional Valentine's pictures back from my friend Heather. In the meantime, I'm just sending this out into cyberspace- to those of you who love us and follow this blog to let you know what's on my heart. That's it. like I said. Take it or leave it. I'm done apologizing for not fitting into the mold of the "appropriate" Christian- for being too emotional, dramatic, whatever. If you know the Savior of the World, the Creator of the Universe, you can't just fit Him neatly into a Sunday bulletin. If you really take a chance and let Him into your heart- He'll take over your life... and oh, what a blessed coup that is.

Sarah

For more info...

Christian Alliance for Orphans: www.christianalliancefororphans.org

Amazima Ministries: www.amazima.org