Today I'm overwhelmed- seems to be my M.O. lately, unfortunately. Gemma's had a really rough month and seems to be sick again. She's clingy and uncomfortable and I haven't found a way to fix it. Motherhood is beautiful and gut-wrenching at the same time.
I read a great post by Ann Voskamp today and she was writing about motherhood. She said something to the effect of "I dont' have to keep waiting for my perfect life to show up- the life that has me being the mom that has it all put together, healthy kids, clean house, calm presence, perfect meals on the table, perfect lesson plans for school, perfect projects by my students, deep creativity flowing out of their tiny hands and hearts".
Actually, she said it this way: "I haven’t got anything together and I can stop looking for some hidden door that’s going to someday open up to my real, perfect life"
Oh, how it frees me that other mamas and women feel this way. And there's so much I can do about it... I can practice gratitude, even when I'm up for the 6th time at 4 in the morning and she's crying, and in pain, and I can't fix it, and the tears come from her and from her mama...
"I can stop waiting (for this perfect life) and I can start laughing praise, because this wondrous mess, this is it." Ann Voskamp- aholyexperience.com
And so true... this is it- the miracle of it all- her tiny face studying mine as she memorizes my eyes, my smile (am I smiling more at her than frowning? what a conviction...),
her response to Eva Cassidy (like she's hearing a long lost friend who she absolutely loves- a mix of recognition and excitement),
what a good little shopper Gemma is... she just watches everything in awe and intrigue,
another Mother's Day with my amazing mom (yes, mom, I do believe you are amazing) and my wonderful Grandma,
for empathetic 3rd graders who, when I had to leave early to take my sick girl to the doctor, asked all sorts of probing questions and gave me their share of Oohh's and understanding smiles (sometimes children are more tender and compassionate than adults, eh?)
for my husband and the words he etched onto my heart this Mother's day that will forever define my relationship with him in a new way.
for the sunshine- and the warmer weather, could Spring truly be on it's way... finally?
sleeping with the windows open
forgiveness for my harsh words
for the prayers of loved ones
for consonants! yay! finally! dada and baby (no, she has no idea what these words are but she says them!
This weekend, we took Gemma to church and since we've been kind of on house arrest for awhile, it was one of our first outings. I ran into a lot of wonderful people who've been praying for us and Gemma since she was born. One lady, in particular, stopped us and asked how Gemma was doing. I told her that nothing had changed yet, unfortunately, and I think she could tell that I'm wearied by it all. She looked at me and said, "Oh, but think of all the prayers that she's been the focus of since she was born... not every baby gets that- what an amazing thing." And it is... she has been bathed in prayer, not just by her mama and daddy and family but by a group of loved ones- friends, church family, colleagues, strangers. And all of these people have thought of her in love, in concern, and in faith that God does hear prayers. I am honored to be the mama of a girl who resides in your prayers. Thank you for thinking of us- for loving our girl, for supporting us, and believing God for a well child even when we find it hard to be reassured.