Minnesota

Many of my friends have relocated elsewhere in the country. I have places to stay in Madison, Denver, San Fransisco, DC, Chicago, Wichita, and that's just to name a few! I have listened as they met new people, found their church home, discovered new restaurants and hidden treasures in their new hometowns, and built families far away from Minnesota. Still, I am here. I grew up here- about 4 miles from my current house- I went to college here- about 4 miles from my current house- I started teaching here- about 4 miles from my current house. Hmmmm... I feel like I've lived my live in a 16 mile square. Nothing about Minnesota seems new or exciting to me anymore. I don't want to battle traffic around Lake Calhoun just to take a walk with my baby! The Mall of America makes me a bit carsick. Road construction, humidity, and 9.5 months of cold are a lot to take. I'd love a good "safe" adventure and Abe and I have talked about how exciting it would be to start over somewhere- to discover new restaurants because we have to, we don't know where anything is; to find a group of people who would be like an extended family because ours would be so far away.

But...

My husband's heart is in Minnesota; our families are here; my job (which I really love) is here; we have an amazing church home here; we have dear friends here.

Is this a case of "the grass is always greener"? Am I just envious of the excitement that my friends have as they discover new places and treasures wherever they are? Am I just envious of their joy?

Sometimes it's hard to separate yourself from who you were and who you are, or strive to be as an adult. I read somewhere that people fall back into the roles they occupied in their family as they grew up whenever they return home. I don't want to do that! I wasn't happy in my role in my family. My family is wonderful, fun, quick-witted, spontaneous, serious, sarcastic, argumentative, and so much more. I am beyond blessed to have been born into this basket of nuts! :) But, I am very different than most of my family members and I always felt a bit "misunderstood". It's hard to get over that as I get older. I still feel a bit misunderstood. So, I think I've taken that on in my apathy towards Minnesota. I don't feel like I have the opportunity to re-invent myself, or even be separate from who I was, or mistakes I made in the past.

Really it comes down to this: I am a people pleaser. I struggle with wanting to be authentically me, knowing what that authenticity looks like, and concern that I won't be accepted for who I am. Because of that, because I've worked really hard in the past to be all things to all people- if I really let my guard down and am honest with myself and others- what if it's so different than what they think I should be, what they've experienced me to be, that our relationship suffers? All that to say, "what if they don't like me for me?" "What if I'm not as cool as I thought I was?" :) If I were to start over, then it would be easier to lose a relationship that started 10 minutes ago vs. 10 years ago- and I still have to see all these people all the time, because we're not going anywhere! If I could start fresh, then I wouldn't be losing out on history with friends, colleagues etc. Does all this rambling make sense to anyone? Hello? Are you out there?

It is enticing to go where no one knows you, no one pre-judges you based on your past history, and you have a chance to "do things right". Live life intentionally.

But...

Running away is not the answer. Why maintain relationships that are built on something false at the expense of authentic relationship? If people really wouldn't be "pleased" with me, then why am I so concerned with maintaining a relationship with them? I live in an amazing place and I don't need to leave to come home to my soul. I need to surrender my pleasing antics and thicken up my skin, so to speak. Get a bit more of a "take it, or leave it" attitude. Why does it matter if people like me or not? Am I really that afraid of being alone? Do I really need that much of a change to find my authentic life? I'm transferring all this emotional stuff to my feelings about Minnesota.

As enticing as Colorado, Georgia, the East coast, or West coast may be, I have a wonderful husband, beautiful baby girl, lovely, safe, sturdy home, great job, good friends, nearby family, church home and great neighbors. In truth, there is so much here to be thankful for- and so much that I need to discover anew in my long-time home: Minnesota. So, in honor of a "safe" adventure- I'm going to try to see Minnesota through new eyes.

Exciting "new" discoveries about/in Minnesota:

1. The Tea House in Plymouth. If you haven't been here, go. It's terrific. They have a Szechuan menu that is to die for! When we lived right across the street from it, Abe and I used to get the boiled beef in Szechuan sauce or the Szechuan pork. So good. It'll burn your face off, but seriously, go already... GO!

2. White Bear Lake. I love walking around downtown White Bear Lake. It's a charming area, with older buildings, fun shops, unique restaurants, and a beautiful fountain. I feel like I'm in a different area of the country- the charming south or the picturesque east coast. It's always decorated for the seasons, filled with local farmer's markets, music festivals, and fun activities for the kids- I know I'd write home about this if I were somewhere else.




3. The Minneapolis Farmer's Market. I know there are farmer's markets everywhere but for some reason, I love the Minneapolis market off of Lyndale. It's full of great smells, interesting people, delicious food; I mean, come on! Where else can you get a loaded brat first thing in the morning on a Sunday? That, along with a giant cinnamon roll and coffee is the perfect breakfast. I love shoving Gemma in the Mobi Wrap and walking slowly with Abe through the vendors.

4. Cosetta's Italian Restaurant and Market. Downtown St. Paul on W. 7th. Go. Right. Now. Step away from the screen. If they are not open, start a line. Get the Mostaciolli con Ricotta, a bottled orange soda (or wine or beer, if you're in the mood) and a side caesar. Prepare to discover heaven on earth. My mouth is watering. Oh, heavenly.

5. The library down the road from me. It has great hours, and if I had just moved here from somewhere else, I would love that I can walk to it, access it online, and it has all sorts of things for the family- story times, camps, etc. The librarians are nice too! Wow!





6. Lake Superior. I know it's a drive and if I had just moved here, I might zip on over to Lake Minnetonka before I'd drive all the way to Lake Superior but it's worth the drive. The north shore is beautiful, especially in the fall, and the cool breeze off the lake is balm to a hot soul. Abe and I love staying up there in the off season- when it's quiet and still and we can swing by Betty's Pies to grab breakfast and hike around in the quiet.




7. Snow. I know it's almost blasphemy to talk about snow in July but I can't help it. I LOVE a white Christmas. I don't know if I could really fully ever get in the Christmas spirit without snow. It's so romantic, stilling, peaceful, deafening in it's silence. I love how it absorbs sound so that when you walk outside everything is muffled- everything; footsteps, breath, car tires. It's like living with ear plugs in for a bit. Kind of helps take the edge off of life sometimes (i.e. 32 4th graders making sculptures in a non-carpeted, sound enhancing classroom :).



8. Nelson's Ice Cream in Stillwater. Get a child's sized cone- you'll never finish it all! Tons of flavors, tons of ice cream, great deal- lines out the door all summer long, easy walk into downtown Stillwater. It has it all. I wish I could say it was this undiscovered gem, but everyone knows about Nelson's. It's that good. Try it, you'll love it- but be prepared to wait in line.

That's all for now... more to come, I'm sure as I "discover" things anew.

gratitude

I haven't been numbering my gratitude posts and right now I'm too tired to go back and count up where I should be, so...


# 200 maybe? Who knows...

Air conditioning

popsicles

a fun concert with a good friend- yes, I went to see the New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys. Epic, I tell you... Epic. ;)

summer

watermelon



hair bows

the kiddie pool

Gemma's birthmark

our crockpot- seriously a "cool" way to cook in the summer.

my husband, the bug hunter

time to curl up with a good book- "the help" wonderful! "the Latehomecomer" Excellent!

Encouragement to just be the mom that I'm comfortable being, not try to be perfect. That's hard for me.

Snuggle time with my girl

sleep

lemonade

Gemma's first taste of ice cream



My mom telling me that I'm a good mom.

hard gratitude: poop in the tub... there is a story to come. :)

Sparky

We gathered at my parent's house for the 4th and 4 generations of Rohan women were under one roof.

A remote control just for her~!



Gemmie and her grandma



Gemmie and her great grandma Helen (aka GG)




Our night was long- she didn't sleep well but the time we spent with family was relaxing and peaceful. Hope everyone had a wonderful 4th!

gratitude

this is my gratitude post...

click on the date below

june 20 2011

Loving summer,
Sarah

Update

I've been dragging my feet on writing this post and now I feel guilty for how long it's been since Gemma's last swallow study. So, an update on her situation.

About 3 weeks ago, we got a letter from a company that manufactures the thickener we use in her bottles. They were investigating a possible correlation between the thickener and Necrotizing Enterocolits (basically, a really bad bowel disease) in babies born before 37 weeks. Gemma was born at 39.5 weeks so she didn't fit the concern group but I was still a bit unsettled about piling all this stuff in to her after there were some questions about its safety in any people group. So, I contacted our speech clinician to schedule another swallow study- letting her know that I was concerned about continuing use of the thickener and was hoping that Gemma would pass the study. While we waited for our appointment, the thickener was recalled, the FDA contacted us to make sure that the manufacturer had given us adequate information and we stopped using it in Gemma's bottles. After talking with our ped, I decided to try thin liquids in Gemma's bottles. I had slowly been thinning her bottles but decided to just give her thin liquids for a week and a half before the swallow study. In theory, if she was still aspirating, we would know because she would get some sort of respiratory infection. So, we started thin liquids up to 3 times a day and she seemed just fine. I put a slower flow nipple on the bottle and she guzzled them down beautifully. Now, by this I couldn't assume she was healed/cured/over the aspiration because she was a silent aspirator to begin with, meaning she never cleared her lungs when she got liquids in them. So, in theory, she might look like she's doing fine but be taking liquids in to her lungs. I just didn't know.

I had great hope as we went to the swallow study and for the first time, I fed her the Barium. I usually like the nurse to do it so that they can get the best possible results but the clinician said it would be best for her to watch and me to feed. That way she could keep an eye on her swallow on the xray and not worry about the feeding. She took the Barium just fine, tired and starving. She didn't aspirate but the liquids went into her airway. The speech clinician said it was shallow to moderate penetration- definitely not down to her vocal cords, but deep enough that she said, 84% of kids who take liquids into their airway that far, will aspirate. So, Gemma did not pass the study but she did show improvement from the last time where she had liquids draining down to her vocal cords before she would push them into her esophagus. So, the recommendation was to continue thickening with oatmeal or rice cereal and see an ENT. The ENT will scope her throat, airway etc and will put her under sedation for this. We have seen a GI for her reflux and they said that if the ENT scoped her, they wanted to do an endoscopy (I believe) at the same time to check for reflux complications and look at the sphincter at the top of her stomach. I am really going to be adamant that they do it at the same time because I don't want her put out twice. It might take some coordination but hopefully people will be on board.

Immediately, I was very disappointed, frustrated, and discouraged. I felt defeated and sad. I had really thought that she would pass... no, I had just deeply hoped that she would pass. It's hard to play this waiting game for someone to say, "she's just fine, normal, no concerns" or "this is why she is aspirating, and this is how we can treat it, therapies we can do etc". It's the not knowing that's hard.

I'm trying not to get wrapped up in discouragement. Today at church, we sang "Great is your Faithfulness" and I looked down at Gemma and realized that I was holding tangible proof of God's faithfulness. When we lost our first baby, I begged for this child and God faithfully provided. Here she is! Here she is! She was asleep while we sang (she is lulled and energized by music). I clutched her tightly, tears burned my eyes and I cried in gratitude for God's immense faithfulness. All around me, people are being blessed with children that they have waited for, prayed for, struggled for, and now await patiently. Adoption, IVF, natural conception- however it's happening, God's faithfulness knows no bounds. As a dear friend joins the awful club of miscarriage, I can only tell her to clutch on to that promise of faithfulness. God is good- the ultimate Provider- the healer of all hurts, and the restorer of our souls. I know what it feels like to be there and oh, how I wish you didn't know this pain but great, yes, Great is His Faithfulness. Cling to that. How I wish I always had that song playing in my head.

Bottom line is, she's healthy. She's perfect! She's doing well and we are not on house arrest anymore. I can't keep her in a bubble and there's too much to explore and too much living to do! Since school has been out, Gemma has been in her first swimming pool, gone shopping, and played with friends. I am really enjoying this age. She makes all sorts of silly noises, says Hi Dada (I don't know if she knows what she's saying but it sure is cute) and DADADADADADA! I'm still waiting for Mama. :) She crawls everywhere and is starting to try to pull herself up. She cracks me up and I'm head over heels in love with her.

Thank you for your prayers- please keep them coming. We'll continue to seek out answers and best options for our girl. In the meantime, I'm pledging to love the living daylights out of her this summer... watch for us on our many adventures... Pictures to come!

Here are just a couple from my phone. She's playing with the dog kennel door in one and crawling in the other.

Enjoy!

Sarah

Gratitude

Today I'm overwhelmed- seems to be my M.O. lately, unfortunately. Gemma's had a really rough month and seems to be sick again. She's clingy and uncomfortable and I haven't found a way to fix it. Motherhood is beautiful and gut-wrenching at the same time.


I read a great post by Ann Voskamp today and she was writing about motherhood. She said something to the effect of "I dont' have to keep waiting for my perfect life to show up- the life that has me being the mom that has it all put together, healthy kids, clean house, calm presence, perfect meals on the table, perfect lesson plans for school, perfect projects by my students, deep creativity flowing out of their tiny hands and hearts".

Actually, she said it this way: "I haven’t got anything together and I can stop looking for some hidden door that’s going to someday open up to my real, perfect life"


Oh, how it frees me that other mamas and women feel this way. And there's so much I can do about it... I can practice gratitude, even when I'm up for the 6th time at 4 in the morning and she's crying, and in pain, and I can't fix it, and the tears come from her and from her mama...


"I can stop waiting (for this perfect life) and I can start laughing praise, because this wondrous mess, this is it." Ann Voskamp- aholyexperience.com

And so true... this is it- the miracle of it all-
her tiny face studying mine as she memorizes my eyes, my smile (am I smiling more at her than frowning? what a conviction...),

her response to Eva Cassidy (like she's hearing a long lost friend who she absolutely loves- a mix of recognition and excitement),

what a good little shopper Gemma is... she just watches everything in awe and intrigue,

another Mother's Day with my amazing mom (yes, mom, I do believe you are amazing) and my wonderful Grandma,

for empathetic 3rd graders who, when I had to leave early to take my sick girl to the doctor, asked all sorts of probing questions and gave me their share of Oohh's and understanding smiles (sometimes children are more tender and compassionate than adults, eh?)

for my husband and the words he etched onto my heart this Mother's day that will forever define my relationship with him in a new way.

for the sunshine- and the warmer weather, could Spring truly be on it's way... finally?

sleeping with the windows open

forgiveness for my harsh words

for the prayers of loved ones

for consonants! yay! finally! dada and baby (no, she has no idea what these words are but she says them!



This weekend, we took Gemma to church and since we've been kind of on house arrest for awhile, it was one of our first outings. I ran into a lot of wonderful people who've been praying for us and Gemma since she was born. One lady, in particular, stopped us and asked how Gemma was doing. I told her that nothing had changed yet, unfortunately, and I think she could tell that I'm wearied by it all. She looked at me and said, "Oh, but think of all the prayers that she's been the focus of since she was born... not every baby gets that- what an amazing thing." And it is... she has been bathed in prayer, not just by her mama and daddy and family but by a group of loved ones- friends, church family, colleagues, strangers. And all of these people have thought of her in love, in concern, and in faith that God does hear prayers. I am honored to be the mama of a girl who resides in your prayers. Thank you for thinking of us- for loving our girl, for supporting us, and believing God for a well child even when we find it hard to be reassured.

Celebrating gratitude and mamas...

be moved.

Make sure you turn off my music playing in the background by pressing stop or pause on the player at the bottom of my blog- oh and turn up the volume... way up.