and then some...

My list of gratitude continues. If you haven't joined in this endeavor, please read Ann Voskamp's blog: www.aholyexperience.com.

God, speaking through Ann's gifted pen, is changing my life; drawing me back into Him; holding me close; cracking open my heart daily; wrecking me in beautiful, marvelous ways.

Gratitude: #21-30

For forgiveness- both the giving of and receiving of this- the most precious gift.

For neighbors who snow-blow your driveway for the umpteenth time since your snow-blower is still broken.

For a day off and all that today stands for- progress, unity, community, heaven.

For a somewhat normal nap schedule- notice I said somewhat normal... but the key word is NAP (hey, it's happening... that's all I care about!)

For delicious medium rare steaks served over baby bottles, burp rags, and pacifiers- oh how dinner time has changed.

For the journey that this gratitude list has started and the partnership with my best friend throughout.

For softly falling snowflakes and hot coffee.

For the quiet hum of the dishwasher and no other noise.

For this... a thousand times over for this:



For my husband, the officer- who daily gives of himself so much so that we may be warm, safe, and loved. For his early morning coffee making every early morning... the steam is like a leftover "I love you" long after he leaves.

and then some... and so much more... the large things and the small things. The deep introspective moments and the quiet laughter in a crib. And now, like clockwork, 45 minutes in, an awake cherub awaits.

Breathe, behold, a miracle.

3 Months

Gemma at 3 months. She's so beautiful!

Aunt Carole

I am so grateful for Aunt Carole. She's not even my aunt. She's my best friend's aunt and I got to see her on Saturday. I ventured out with Gemma for Beckham's (my best friend Heather's little guy) second birthday. I was worried about Gemma being around a lot of people but I kept her close and no one was sick. I really wanted to talk to Aunt Carole. She's just one of those people who calms me. I have no explanation for it other than she is just the most comforting person to me. When I miscarried over a year ago, she saw me two weeks later and just loved on me- she is a wonderful listener, and so encouraging. She's a pediatric nurse and I had all sorts of questions for her about Gemma. She humored me and looked over Gemma, checking her legs, and her muscle tone. She says she looks just great.

The thing with aspiration in infants is that it can sometimes be caused by or a symptom of something else- and sometimes that something else is Cerebral Palsy. With CP, you don't know if your child suffers from it until they are developed enough to be behind their peers. So, with babies, it's a waiting game. I'm habitually watching to make sure she's using both her hands equally, has good neck strength and is meeting her developmental milestones. Being a first time mom, I don't always know what to look for and I really don't want to miss anything. I'm doing the best I can and all signs are pointing to Gemma being totally normal developmentally and Cerebral Palsy not being an issue at all.

I told Aunt Carole about my concern and she looked Gemma over and reassuringly laughed at me. At that giggle and the words, "oh, she's fine"- I started to cry. It's so hard not knowing what's wrong, if you're doing everything you possibly can, what is best for your child. I'm learning surrender and how to live on my knees in humility. I can't do it all, I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm going to make mistakes. But like my dad says, "I just have faith that no matter what, it's going to be okay-" I'm trying really hard to just trust that no matter what, God will be present, powerful, and peace-giving; no matter the situation. As scary as that can be to surrender, I am so filled with gratitude for my "Aunt Carole". She just calmed me. I can't explain it- I don't even know her that well but she just comforts me.

I willingly handed Gemma over to her that night- she fed her and cuddled her on her chest. Gemma loved it. I love having that complete trust- Carole knows kids, she knows sick kids, she knows respiratory risk kids and she says my girl is fine. She loved on her, looked her over, and loosed me from the rope of self-doubt. God is faithful to provide people who shower His love on us in tangible ways.

Everyone has someone like that- for no apparent reason other than the fact they do, someone who is a calming force in their life. Who is that person for you? Who is your "Aunt Carole"? Who has God placed in your life, however fleeting, to comfort you? to calm you? to reassure you? Who has that calm spirit about them that just speaks to you? Have you thanked them lately?

And to my "Aunt Carole"? Thanks, for being there, listening, and reassuring. You'll never know how wonderfully weighty your words are.

Gratitude

Gratitude #11-20

Soft piano music as I type

The quiet of the snow before kids arrive at school

Gemma's dimpled hands

best friends and the next generation of best friends



embroidered baby bloomers

a 2 year old miracle who knows me by name

Bayport and all it's promise

kisses on my neck

compliments from my husband that are balm to my soul

my mom- greeting my daughter with love and tenderness every morning- she makes daycare just "care".

Gratitude, or rather listing out the daily miracles in my life, brings me misty eyed to this computer every Monday. Will you join me? What are you grateful for? What daily miracles has God shown you? Where do you see the beauty of heaven in your every day life?

Gratitude

Last night I soaked up my baby. I squeezed her in my arms, kissed her cheeks until I ran out of chapstick, and held her little hands. I cried because I don't get to do it every day all day- but I'm soaking her up as much as I can and I find I'm living for the hours that I'm with my family. Abe and I curled up together on the couch last night with Gemma and just talked. We just "connected"- the warmth emanating from his arms and his voice as we caught up on our day and oh, how I soaked that up.

That being said, this post is entitled "Gratitude" and so I'm starting a list...

#1-10

an unexpected midnight rocking session with my daughter

the way she snorts after she eats

how her head smells after she's taken a bath

the fat rolls at the top of her legs

the giant smile she meets me with in the morning

the quiet of spindly black trees against pink and purple skies

Rosie and Violet rushing into the bathroom to greet me as I get ready in the morning

heat in my car

the warmth of my mom's house as I drop Gemma off for her 2nd official day of "daycare"

the sympathetic smile my husband gave me as we wearily compared our lack of sleep stories over tooth brushing this morning



and so much more...
Sarah

Want to join me with your own list? What are you grateful for right now? In this moment, take a breath, sense your surroundings, smells, tastes, touches, sounds... and be filled with gratitude. Let me know if you've put one on your blog, I'd love to visit it.

Here

I've been following a blog by a truly gifted writer named Ann Voskamp called A Holy Experience. Please, check it out. It's beautiful- deeply beautiful.

Anyway, she names her years- the year of communion, etc and this year for her is The Year of Here. I've decided to join her in the pursuit of soaking up every ounce of the here and now. I won't worry or be consumed by what's to come, what could be, or what might be but rather indulge myself in the myriad of awe-inspiring blessings right in front of me.

I will fall deeply in love with the way my daughter's eyelashes criss-cross across her cheeks. I will notice her little pursed lips and how they pucker and spread wide in a grin while she sleeps. I will try so desperately to memorize what her warm weight feels like in my arms; what her giggles, grunts, and goos sound like as they caress my ears. I will take the moments when I am giving her meds as bonding moments, tiny gifts of one on one time that can never be taken back. I will memorize her fingernails and the way the fat rolls on her arm. I will hold her a bit tighter as she nuzzles her head into my shoulder for comfort. I can't get enough of her.

I will deeply KNOW what it feels like to hold hands with my husband in the middle of the night while we both fall asleep. I will stop and take in each smile and joke he sends my way in our own private banter. I will memorize what his rough cheek feels like as he kisses me good bye in the morning. I will be intentional about meeting his eyes when he talks to me and truly experience connection as we walk together in this life.

I will realize my dogs are so hungry for love since Gemma arrived (poor things) and indulge myself and them with the gift of play and cuddles. I will realize that my home is a sanctuary and that the dishes can be done later and the floors scrubbed tomorrow... and when later and tomorrow come, I will notice the warm suds on my hands, the way the counter top shines once the dishes are put away, and the way the sun hits freshly cleaned wet floors.

I will allow myself to rest in my teaching- to meet my kids eyes and smiles with fresh energy, tenderness, and inspiration. To take every moment as it comes- every child as they arrive with joy and compassion.

I will not wish for what could be but be immensely satisfied with what is. I will strive to de-clutter my life, to simplify my home and heart and find order where there is chaos.

As I continue to mother, I continue to see God in a new light. Last night as I was putting Gemma to bed and praying over her, I prayed that she would not forget me as she spends every day with my mom. I'm sure she won't, but I found myself saying, love me best, Gemma, love me best. I was instantly struck with the parental love of God- and His still small voice saying to me, "Sarah, love me best." His love makes me speechless.

I will strive to be an amazing daughter to my heavenly Father and "love Him best". I will continue to pour myself out and feel that emptying as I give and ultimately receive.

The year of Here... are you in?

Sarah

so... yes AND no...

I don't really know how to write this post- I'm still a bit confused myself. We just returned from our video fluoroscopy- or swallow study at Children's Hospital. On our first study, they tried thin liquids first, saw she was aspirating and went directly to honey-thick liquid (formula, breast milk thickened to the thickness of honey using Simply Thick). Gemma didn't aspirate the honey thick liquids so we were placed on a regimen of feeding her thickened liquids for all feeds- either with Simply Thick or with rice cereal in formula.

Today, we started the study with Nectar thick liquids for Gemma. This is one level thinner than the honey thick. They were trying to minimize radiation and since she didn't aspirate the honey thick last time, they didn't need to see it this time. They wanted to check her thinner liquids but I told them she was a gulper so they worked with a thicker liquid first. This is where the yes and no comes in...

1. No, she did NOT pass her swallow study.

2. No, she did NOT aspirate... that's good.

3. Yes, she shows potential to aspirate... that's bad.

4. Yes, she will most likely grow out of this by 1 year (if she doesn't have any other developmental issues- which we don't see any delays in development at this point.)

5. Yes, it could absolutely have to do with her reflux.

6. No, they don't know why she's aspirating or showing potential to aspirate.


The bottom line is: she has a slow swallow. Her swallow and anatomy are just fine however when she swallows, she lets all liquids get to the top of her airway and then "lazily" closes it off with the epiglottis. Most people are quicker about this reflex and she needs to be too in order to pass her swallow study. She didn't aspirate any of her liquids but they did kind of pool right at the top of her airway- the speech clinician said that if she got tired or lazy while eating, she could definitely aspirate. Not a guarantee but a distinct possibility. So, as of right now, nothing has changed in their recommendations for her feeding schedule.

She is currently getting preventative inhaled steroids through her nebulizer that we may or may not continue on our pediatrician's recommendation. We will for sure continue on her reflux meds and were advised to try to switch formulas to Gentle Ease by Similac (I think). Supposedly, this can also help with her reflux.

We also asked about her contact with people and the Speech Clinician thought that it was just fine to be reasonable about her health. For example, we can have visitors who are healthy (and have healthy families), and preferably have had a flu shot, at any time. Also, if we want to take her out to church or to a "public place" the real risk comes from us touching things and then touching her or someone coughing or sneezing on her. So, if I cover her up and bring hand sanitizer with me (and use it before I touch her), I should be able to take her out in public. All that being said, that's what ANYONE should do for ANY new baby during flu and RSV season. That's common knowledge- if you or someone you live with are sick, don't be around a baby. I don't know how much of an increased risk she's at anymore since we are keeping her from aspirating her food. She still could be aspirating her saliva which could irritate her airways and make her more prone to a more serious respiratory response to germs. We just don't know. She doesn't show signs of aspirating her saliva- I don't think she does, anyway. But since we can't know for sure, I'm thinking our pediatrician will continue with our same course of treatment- nebbing, keeping her away from obvious germs etc.

So, yes and no. No, she didn't aspirate her food at all. Yes, she's still getting really close to aspirating it with each swallow... So what does that mean? I guess we continue on with the same course of action until March or April when we'll go in for another swallow study. Hopefully, by 6 months, she'll be fully developed out of this. So, yes- what we are doing is helping her. No, we are not done yet. Yes, God is faithful- No, we do not doubt His ability or willingness to heal her. Yes, we will keep thickening her feeds and watching to make sure she's not aspirating her food. That's all we can do. We'll continue to treat her reflux by elevating her, medicating her, switching her formula, and thickening her food. That's all we can do right now and that's our "normal". Bottom line... Gemma's healthy, she's perfect, she's beautiful! What more could we ask for!?

The Lord is faithful and present. He hears our prayers. He is near to us in our times of fear and our times of joy. He is more than we could ever hope for and everything that we need. We will continue to rejoice for all the glorious blessings we've received in our beautiful daughter Gemma. She truly is the most precious of all jewels.

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.