Quick Update!

So, I am 15 weeks along now and have a tummy, for sure! By the end of the day, I swear it's 3 times this size... what am I eating?!!

I'm feeling much better these last 7 days or so- the nausea seems to have passed. For awhile there, I was eating everything in sight- it was the only thing that helped me feel better. So, now I look forward to settling in to a more normal eating schedule. I am not as tired either so hopefully that bodes well for the next 14 weeks or so.

We have a doctor's appointment coming up in the next week and then I'll schedule my 20 week ultrasound. We're not sure yet if we're going to find out the gender of the baby but we're leaning in that direction. Other than that, I'm starting to check out daycare options and panicking a bit as many seem full.

My wise husband suggested we pray about this together and as we seek God's peace in this, I'll keep calling daycares and hoping for a great opening somewhere that we feel totally safe leaving our little babe. Any suggestions?

God is so good, huh? So good.

Hope

I know I haven't written in a while- I'm okay and I have been doing a lot of thinking. Through the holidays, a quiet settled into my soul. That doesn't mean that we didn't try in January or that I didn't count the days, and feel sad when I saw that negative on the test. Abe wrapped his arms around me- I promise I wasn't even crying- and said, "I'm sorry, it's going to be okay." And I knew that it would- I was disappointed but this quiet rested on me...

I have so much to be thankful for. It's absolutely absurd that I want for anything. I have a husband who loves me so well and at whom I am continually amazed. He's my soul mate, my other half, my best friend, my heart's desire. He's great. :) I have two super cute doggies who I love, but who drive me crazy a bit. I love my job- I have a wonderful church home and family nearby. I love our house- everything about it- except the scary retaining wall- I LOVE my life. I do... so it's absurd that I can get so caught up in the one thing I feel is missing. And that's what I felt. I felt that a part of my future had disappeared with that baby. Because I write or talk when I need to get something out, I turned to this blog. I poured out my heart, the good and the ugly, and felt release. I cried out to God and then I cried out to you.

That Thursday morning in January, I had almost accepted defeat... then I looked again. I dared to hope. I know that in the grand scheme of all the world, my experience is not earth shattering or even note-worthy when earthquakes take out entire cities, and poverty knows no end. But, losing a pregnancy, a sense of innocence, and most importantly, the hope of what was to come was deeply defining to me. Almost when I had resigned myself to being hopeless, a faint blue line appeared.

I am unbelievably grateful. What a small word for such a swell in my soul. I feel guilty to be so blessed. That's irrational, I know- and maybe not so irrational. Because truly, what do we deserve? If I truly got what I deserved, I'd be in big trouble. With every phrase of praise on my lips, there were questions and fears and doubts for God. And yet, through it all, I moved closer to God. I can't say God stepped closer to me because He is never farther away than we push Him. After fighting and crying and blaming and sitting in silence, I full-out ran to God. I didn't care what following Him looked like, I just knew that I could not handle this anymore on my own and run to Him I did. And wow, did He touch me. He wrapped his mercy and tenderness around me, forgiving me over and over for my harsh words and doubting heart and covered me with peace.

I am trying to take nothing for granted and am praying daily that I continue to be reminded of the fragility of life- the lack of guarantees in this world- and the everlasting hope that lies within the promise of Jesus.

With that, I feel the need to apologize. I'm sorry for being selfish in my posts. I know firsthand the hardships many of my friends and loved ones go through and I feel almost guilty to be seemingly on the other side. I'm trying to be sensitive of the hurt of others so I won't be posting a bunch of updates on Facebook. I will blog- for me... read it if you'd like, don't if you're not interested. Writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings are really good for me. So, I will continue to do that.

I also know that this is only the beginning- so many uncertainties lie ahead, so many possibilities for pain. I do not think for a second that life is settled into patterns of perfection. That's not how this world operates- but the fact that I long for that state of bliss, proves Heaven over and over again. You can't be homesick for something that doesn't exist, can you?

So, if you've stuck with me for this long, thanks. I'm overjoyed and ridiculously humbled and downright tongue-tied to announce that I'm pregnant. Abe and I will, if all goes well, welcome a baby into our Wolfe Pack in October. I've seen the heartbeat twice- my risk of miscarriage is less than 5% until I'm twenty weeks. I even got to see our baby dancing on the ultrasound image on Friday. Moving! Wiggling! Rubbing it's tiny face! It was awesome. Please know I'm not taking a second of that for granted. I'm not taking a second of the nausea I've been feeling for 6 weeks for granted. What God has chosen to bless me with takes my breath away.


1 Samuel 1:27

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

Speechless (believe it or not),

Sarah

Christmas at our house...

On a happier note...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Bet you didn't know Abe was such a talented breakdancer, eh? Or that Rosie and Violet could stand on their hind legs for so long! Enjoy!


Okay, I admit the dog heads are a bit creepy but I didn't know who else to put with us!

Roar (whiny, angry post ahead... read with caution)

Just a few things to know before you read this post.
1. It's quite scattered- from quoting Nouwen and Brennan Manning to whining.
2. I am by nature a passionate and impulsive person- this can also be translated to IMPATIENT ( I am working on this)
3. I'm okay- writing helps me get out my feelings so don't worry.. I'm Okay, just having a rough spell.
4. Please, please comment if you have prayer ideas, responses etc. I would really love to hear from you.





I know I haven't posted anything since Halloween time and I had hoped by now I'd have good news to share, but I don't. I'm just really frustrated. If you don't belong to Facebook, maybe you don't understand this but on Facebook, you can post how you are feeling or what you are doing at any given moment of the day. This is fun to check in and see what my friends are up to. But lately, I'm considering dropping out of the Facebook world. I am about up to my ears in "Surprise, we're expecting our (fill in the number) baby!" Yay! Woohoo! I am apparently, the only one in my circle of friends, which exceeds 100 on Facebook, who is not pregnant or just had a baby. And I'm so envious! How ungodly is that?! I am so ENVIOUS. I'm really trying not to be bitter- but with every month that a child grows in my friends wombs, and not in mine is one more month of distance... that's the only word I can think of.

I don't know how to explain this but I'm just filled with a sense of loss. I feel like I'm losing control over things, I'm waiting on a chance that I'll get pregnant and even like I'm going to lose my friends. Since they will all have kids at the same time, I feel like I'm going to have nothing in common with them, they'll all naturally group together and I'll eventually get weeded out. Isn't that so irrational? As irrational as it is, that fear of being left behind is nesting in my heart. Not only do I have to deal with negative pregnancy tests and PMS every month, I hear about how "fat" everyone is getting while they are pregnant. YOU ARE NOT FAT! YOU ARE PREGNANT! Don't you know what I would give to be getting "fat" right now?

And if I have to see another belly pic, I'm going to lose my mind!*







Right now I'm doing a Beth Moore Bible Study on Liberty in Christ and it's been really eye-opening. I'm studying taking my thoughts captive to Christ. Any thoughts that are controlling (ahem... having a child) or filled with something (ahem... fear) that is not of God need to be taken captive to Christ so that I can be of sound mind, and filled with peace and life. The steps to take are to recognize the lies, repent of any sin that may have gotten you there, dismantle the lies, pray and claim God's word over your thoughts, and persevere until your thoughts are not controlling you, but you have found freedom and the mind of Christ.

So, here's where I wonder, and here's where I hope to have a meaningful comment dialog. When applying God's word to my situation, this unspeakably deep longing to be a mom- what do I use? All throughout the Bible, there are barren women. All throughout the Bible, women have kids! I can trust in God but when it comes to specifics, what do I pray? My heart is that I would be pregnant and have a beautiful tiny life in my arms at the end of 9 months. So if I pray that God's will in my life be done, I'm leaving out a huge portion of my current heart's cry. But if I pray for something specific, like a pregnancy, maybe that's not God's will for my life. I want to pray for what moves God's heart and in turn, it will move mine. I want to pray what's "right"- do you sense the people pleaser in me? Trying to please God with what I pray and still being true to my heart is where I'm caught.

I'm just still broken hearted- and I'm trying really hard not to be jealous. I'm trying really hard to remember that God's timing is perfect. I'm persevering, not losing faith, struggling with letting go of what I thought our family would be like.

The hardest thing right now is that I'm alone. I have Abe and he's wonderful but other than that (and he is a boy so he doesn't understand fully), there is no one in my situation. And I'm not joking when I say that! Can you believe it? No one. My best friend is due in June, and by the time I have kids(however it happens), I'm worried that there won't be any connection between her kids and ours. Our time will get less and less as our kids occupy our lives and have friends of their own, their own age, who they'd rather spend time with. We will just connect with those kids' moms. Or they meet up with other friends of mine who have kids the same age and yet again, we just sort of diverge.

When my best friend reads this, she's going to recognize how ridiculous this is. And I do too... it's just hard to put a rational band-aid on an irrational wound. And I hate, HATE that everyone knows we're trying and that every month that goes by, without an announcement, they know "it didn't work". I feel like my privacy is gone- I feel like I don't have control over anything.

I'm seeing glimpses of bitterness... (if you haven't seen them, read above) and I don't want that. Deeply, I don't want that. God is still my ever present comfort- but I need more than that. I need to see Him as my SAVIOR, my DADDY, my LOVE, the giver of all good things, and the one who has great things ahead for me. I need to feel and experience a gut-level connection with Jesus.


Brennan Manning writes:
"The Lord is fine-tuned to the hates and loves, disappointments and delights, brokenness and togetherness, the fears, joys, and sorrows of each us. That He knows what hurts the human heart shows up all through His earthly ministry: with the brokenhearted Magdalene crying at His feet, the adulterous woman fearing for her life, the Samaritan woman with her history of failed relationships, the women weeping along the road to Calvary. IT shows up in the many passages that describe Jesus as "having compassion." The Greek verb splangchnizomai is usually translated " to be moved with compassion." But it's etymological meaning is more profound and powerful. The verb is derived from the noun splangchna, which means intestines, bowels, entrails, that is to say, the inward parts from which the strongest emotions arise. In American argot we would call it a gut reaction. That is why English translations resort to active expressions like " he was MOVED with pity" or "his heart WENT OUT to them." But even these verbs do not capture the deep physical flavor of the Greek word for compassion. The compassion that Jesus felt was quite different from superficial and ephemeral emotions of pity or sympathy. His heart was torn, His gut wrenched, the most vulnerable part of His being laid bare."

from Lion and Lamb: The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus


"It (splangchnizomi) is related to the Hebrew word for compassion, rachamim, which refers to the womb of Yahweh. Compassion is such a deep, central and powerful emotion in Jesus that it can only be described as a movement in the womb of God. There all the divine tenderness and gentleness lies hidden. There, God is father and mother, brother and sister, son and daughter. There all feelings, emotions, and passions are one in divine love."

Henri Nouwen
Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life



I know that God is weeping with me and that He has deep gut-level compassion for my sadness. I know that in my head but to read Brennan Manning write when Jesus wept with any of us over our hurts... personally with me over this, "the ground of all being shook, the source of all life trembled, the heart of all love burst open, and the unfathomable depth of God's immense, inexhaustible caring revealed itself" speaks to my soul.


I read these passage differently knowing the depth of emotion Jesus has in each of these situations...


Matthew 14:14
When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

Luke 7: 11-13
11Soon afterward, Jesus went to a town called Nain, and his disciples and a large crowd went along with him. 12As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out—the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her. 13When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, "Don't cry."


Matthew 20:34
Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.

Mark 1:41
Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"


Also, in all these passages, Jesus' compassion precedes a "miracle"- a healing or a deliverance. As Jesus continues to have compassion for me, I await the reality of his movement in my life. I will not limit Him. I will only trust and wait. Which I suppose is helping me work on that impatience thing too...

So, at the risk of offending people, I send this out. My faith is real and it's not always praise songs and hugs. Sometimes God is walking with me in the dark night of my soul... this is one of those times. I don't have a whole lot to say to Him, but he knows my heart, He's holding it tenderly as it's breaking and rebuilding, breaking and rebuilding.

Jesus is relentlessly tender. When someone has a broken heart, a deep physical longing, He is relentlessly tender to meet that need- He will meet me in this.

I trust in Him.
I trust in Him.
I trust in Him.


Sarah


2 Corinthians 1:3-5
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.



*Oh, and please keep posting your belly pics and celebrating the new life within you. I'm just venting and really do enjoy seeing how your bellies grow and I await the newest members of your families with great joy and anticipation.

Happy Halloween!

Today Abe and I carved our first pumpkins together. I carved a dog paw into one for the dogs and Abe carved a traditional jack-o-lantern. I'll take nighttime pictures of them tonight but thought I'd post some of our carving antics. It was so nice to spend time together. What made this extra special is that these two gigantic pumpkins came from Abe's amazing garden. My husband is so talented and definitely has a green thumb. Because the pumpkins were a bit dryer, they were so easy to carve and the insides weren't really slimy at all. We've committed to growing our own pumpkins from now on~ it made carving them even more special.

Tucked

Today I tucked all of my "tangibles" into a manila envelope and asked Abe to put it into the safe. By "tangibles", I mean all the cards, notes, ultrasound pictures, my discharge papers and my hospital bracelet, a sweet hat a friend made for our baby, and some pictures of Abe and I from the State Fair- I can see that my smile is not genuine. I tucked all this into a large manila mailing envelope along with a letter I wrote to our little one. I recounted the bigger details of when we found out I was pregnant, what I felt throughout the weeks I carried him/her, and some of the details of the loss. I wrote it to our baby knowing that it's really for me. I'll pull it out every once in awhile, read the letter, look through the cards, touch the ultrasound pictures and remember. I said what I would have said to their face but didn't get the chance.

Miscarriage is this wierd, silent, almost shameful thing. I can't believe how many people don't talk about it, or recognize the life that was there. It's sort of as though if you show too much emotion at any given time that you're being irrational- "it was JUST a miscarriage." Now, believe me, I know that's not truth. Loss is loss. Grief is grief. Emptiness is... well, you get the picture. I wish that people felt more comfortable with recognizing their loss. Instead, families grieve in private- or feel like their grief is "wrong" or "excessive" or "unwarrented". I believe I lost a whole little person, and if you're reading this and have suffered a miscarriage, please hear me. I believe you lost a sweet, precious little life and however you grieve is okay. It's not shameful or excessive. Women are made to mother, biologically and emotionally- when that motherhood is cut short, we recognize in a soul-moving way how deeply flawed our world is.

I've come to realize now, over two months, since we lost our first baby, that of course there is light on the other side- there's hope, there's peace, and that life inevitably goes on. I get up and go to work, play with the dogs, kiss my husband, laugh at jokes, get frustrated when my students don't listen, and filled with tenderness when their little compassionate hearts show kindness to another. I sleep, I eat, I worship. Yet still, while I live fully, there's a deep loss of innocence that came with losing this little life and I suppose comes with any loss. If and when I get pregnant again, it will be tempered with an awareness of the great possibility of alternative outcomes. I will not dwell on the dark things that COULD happen but I will be aware of them more acutely nonetheless.

As I signed my little card to our baby, "Mama", an old wound cracked open again. I would have been 20 weeks pregnant now. Halfway there. I had it marked already in my calendar- I have the books (on shelves now)- I even have some of the clothes I would have needed. Instead, this week, I celebrate my 31st birthday with an empty womb, a tiny hole in my heart, and a solemn spirit. God, the great comforter, draws close to me again as always. He never fails to be my ever-present help in times of need; even when my need is just a good cry.

He also never fails to fill me with hope. I look forward with great great longing to the day that I can put the silly little picture of a baby in the corner of this blog as it counts down the days until my due date; to the day that I can hug my ever expanding belly and complain of heartburn and sciatica; to the day that after great pain, I can feel the reality of my child in my heart AND in my arms.

With that, I tuck all the memories of our baby into an envelope and close it, not sealed permanently, not even in the safe yet... maybe in a week or so... I think I'd like to look through it a little more while it's still out on my desk... and I remain the same: A child of God, an imperfect, impulsive receiver of redemption, a wife to the greatest husband a woman could have, and a mama- at least by heart. And most importantly, I remain "tucked" under the wing of my Savior, held tenderly against the breast of the lover of my soul and the keeper of all promises.

Sarah

Psalm 17:6-8

I call on you, O God, for you will answer me;
give ear to me and hear my prayer.
Show the wonder of your great love,
you who save by your right hand
those who take refuge in you from their foes.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings